Archive for the ‘travel / vacation’ Category

Dramamines & condoms

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel [...]

Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill. Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.” “Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?” “Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector. “While [...]

Beckham

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins [...]

Nervous old lady

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window. Well she couldn’t stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear. “Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel….. I’ll [...]

The Fastest Camel

A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down. The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following: WE [...]

Three men and a group of canibals

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They were all travelling together on a far off island looking for treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to eat them. The leader spoke up and said: “Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice, [...]

Children and spouses

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Fun at the airport

During the ‘rush hour’ at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved [...]

Rolls with a Bed

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls looked over [...]

Vietnam

The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House. As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don’t worry, there is no oil either so we won’t be going back. -Jay Leno

Plane from Chicago

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. “The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.” “Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked. The agent did so and [...]

Only when drunk

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place… Man: ‘What’s the problem officer?’ Officer: ‘You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.’ Man: ‘No sir. I was going 65. ‘ Wife: ‘Oh. Harry. You were going 80. ‘ The man gives the wife [...]

Backwards

Paddy went to a riding stable and hired a horse. “Hold on for a moment,” said the assistant as he helped him on to the horse, “aren’t you putting the saddle on backwards?” “Why, you don’t even know which way I want to go!” Submitted by Calamjo Edited by Yisman

Try to get some rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on [...]

Smoking section

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light’em, you can smoke ‘em.”

The animal’s warning

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?” The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.” The cop ask the farmer where he [...]

Two Sea Monsters

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. [...]

Pulled over

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!” [...]

Decoy

Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars [...]

First class

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde’s mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won’t move. She says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m [...]

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart’s time behind bars is starting to bear fruit. The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn’t clash with the color of his getaway car.

I am NEVER flying again!

10.) “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars.” 9.) “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.” 8.) “Yes sir, [...]

Pig in bullbar

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice. “There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free” he said. “Okay,” said the boss. “In the back of [...]

Arline Quotes

‘Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.’ Pilot – ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to [...]

Bum in need of food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied. [...]