Archive for the ‘top lists’ Category

captured

3 guyz get captured by canibals and the canibals took the 3 guyz 2 the king canibal deep within a forest. The king canibal says,”we will not eat you guyz on one condition, if each of you can get 10 of the same fruits and stick them up your butt hole without making any facial [...]

poor

Your mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, “Thanks for killing dinner.”

The Top 16 Least Cool Ways to Die

16> Accidentally stabbing yourself in the eye with a spork. Twice. 15> Buried alive beneath a collapsed pile of your rare “Party of Five” memorabilia. 14> Unemployed, wearing pajamas, eating Pringles, in the middle of typing TopFive submi$(*%&(*%&(*$&%) 13> Of starvation, alone on an island — after everyone else has been voted off it. 12> [...]

The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings

13. STD FREE 12. UR A WEASEL 11. BE OURS 10. SOY BOMB 9. TONGUE ME 8. BE MY INTERN 7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, “LOVE”? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!? 6. HAIRY CHEST 5. I STALK [...]

The Top 14 Best Uses of a Time Machine

14> Stop at 1995, pick up Jeff Gillooly, then continue on to September 1986 and pay a little visit to Bill Buckner. 13> “Noah! About the cockroaches… can we talk?” 12> OK, let’s admit it: We’re ALL thinking blackmail here. 11> Write “Geraldo sucks!” on every page of a leather-bound journal and place it in [...]

Top 10 Reasons MS Wants to Buy Group Health’s Eastside Hospital

10. Place to treat MSFT ”Post Stock Split” depression (for those who bought too late). 9. Great place to store copies of Microsoft Bob. 8. Marketing though it was a real cool place to develop MS Anti-Virus. 7. Testing facility for MS HMO Version 1.0 6. Cheaper than Bill’s house – and has 4 more [...]

A BBS Commandment

24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.

Fun Things to Do in a Hardware Store

Unroll the 100 metre tape measure to “make sure it’s all there”. Ask other shoppers to hold bits down “Just there, no there by that mark in the floor” as you go along. See how many shoppers you can get helping you on the way. Unroll a 50 metre roll of duct tape check whether [...]

Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. ” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section [...]

The Top 16 Other Things McDonald’s Hasn’t Told You

16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat. 15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads. 14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers. 13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries. 12> Burgers that don’t sell after two days spend the rest of the [...]

The Top 13 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases

13> “Let’s agree to disagree, punk.” 12> “I’ll be back. As long as I’m going, do you want anything from the Bath and Body Shop?” 11> “Use the big-ass gun, Luke!” 10> “I’m about to give you one more reason to vote for universal health care!” 9> “I know you are, punk, but what am [...]

Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

A BBS Commandment

25. Thou shalt not hack.

Top ten resolutions you won’t keep in 2000

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.9. I will stop sending email to my roommate/spouse.8. I resolve to work with neglected children … my own.7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup [...]

Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.32. Bring a water pistol with you.

Words to improve your vocabulary

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider webBeelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast outCashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite [...]

Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not [...]

Disneyland Olympics

From Topfive.comThe Top 17 Differences if the Olympics Were Held at Disneyland 17> Medals placed around winners’ necks by chirping birds.16> Goofy buys the farm in bizarre archery “accident.”15> Regulation requiring all rowing event competitors to keep their hands and arms inside the boat at all times results in considerably lower scores.14> Sprinters legs spin [...]

The Top 16 Programs on Spike TV

16> Beer Factor 15> Trading Spouses 14> SCI: Strip Club Investigation 13> That ’70s Chauvinism 12> 6 Minutes 11> Martha Stewart’s Living… IN HELL! 10> Iron Chef Boyardee’s Bachelor Cooking Smackdown 9> Hookers Say the Darndest Things! 8> Everybody Loves Raymond in a Healthy, Heterosexual, Manly Way 7> Xtreme Stooges 6> Boffing the Vampire Slayer [...]

McDonald’s Extra Ingredient

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald’s hamburger recently. Here’s David Letterman’s explanation in his Top 10 formatTop Ten List… McDonald’s excuses for the condom in the Big Mac10. We were test marketing the new ”McTrojan” 9. Condom, Condiment – what’s the damn difference 8. It still tastes better [...]

Reason to stay at work all night

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.

The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We’d Like to Hear

13> “I can really feel the love tonight — apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is.” 12> “I’d like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave.” 11> “Dude, was [...]

The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart’s To-Do List

25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints. 24> Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.” 23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch. 22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam. 21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict. 20> Cut deal [...]

7 actual titles of actual books

“Manhole Covers of Los Angeles,” by Robert and Mimi Melnick (1974) “Eat Your House: Art Eco Guide to Self-Sufficiency” by Frederic Hobbs (1981) “Proceedings of the Second Inter-national Workshop on Nude Mice,” University of Tokyo (1978) “Teach Yourself Alcoholism,” by Meier Glatt (1975) “Grow Your Own Hair,” by Ron MacLaren (1947) “Three Weeks in Wet [...]

A BBS Commandment

22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.