Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

Monday is an awful way

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Why do people go to

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is [...]

When sign makers go on

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they lock gas

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle [...]

Tell a man that there

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is [...]

Why is the word abbreviation

Why is the word abbreviation so long? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say “Open here”.What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”? Since Americans throw rice at [...]

What does Geronimo say when

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food? Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? What do they use to ship styrofoam?

It must be true that

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, [...]

When cheese gets its picture

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to [...]

Rules of attraction

The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.

Ever wonder what you call

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?Being rich and it don’t mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What [...]

Experience is something you don’t

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.No one is listening until you make a mistake.If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made [...]

The two biggest problems in

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.When you go into court you are putting yourself in the [...]

If a tree falls in

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Who’s bigger? [...]

Why is it so hard

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?

What happens to the holes

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten? If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn’t it become squozen? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to [...]

If corn oil comes from

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines? How did a fool and his [...]

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don’t have film. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Why are they called buildings,

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? [...]

How can there be self-help

How can there be self-help “groups”?How do you get off a non-stop flight?How do you write zero in Roman numerals?How many weeks are there in a light year?If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Since Americans throw rice at

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Why is it called rush

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow? Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped? Why is abreviation such a long word? If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? Why do they report power outages [...]

If space is a vacuum,

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If you jog backwards, will [...]

Why is the word “abbreviate”

Why is the word “abbreviate” so long? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for “thesaurus”? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Corduroy pillows: they’re making headlines!