Archive for the ‘the battle of the sexes’ Category

Gender for Objects

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example… 1) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive [...]

Baked beans

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He [...]

Dogs vs. women part 2

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women – Part II When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs like beer. Dogs don’t hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching [...]

Dear Abby:…

Dear Abby: … This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said “I Will” he knew damn well he couldn’t.

How Women Get What They Want

Women are under the illusion they don’t have to ask men for anything – that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better [...]

Custody Battle

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this [...]

The Last Straw

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is [...]

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes…

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home. When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.. “Eeek!” says she. “Oh, I used to have toe-lio,” says he. “You mean polio?” “No, toe-lio.” So they continue. When he [...]

How to keep her from talking

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the [...]

Bad prognosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die: “Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be [...]

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender,…

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.” “Really? Now that’s a switch! What [...]

If the World was fair to Guys…

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a ‘cheers for the sex would pretty much do it.2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.4. On Mothers Day, you’d get the day [...]

Why do women like cats?

I’ve never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Snappy comebacks for pickup lines

I know how to please a woman.Then please leave me alone.I want to give myself to you.Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.Your hair color is fabulous.Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.You look like a dream.Go back to sleep.I can tell that you want me.Yes, I want you to leave.Hey, baby, [...]

Cruel revenge (mean joke)

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The [...]

WIFE

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, “My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.” Another guy says, “What’s that?” The first guy says, “That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.” Another one says, “My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, “What’s [...]

Matching Viagra

Female Viagra With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance. MIRRORCILLIN – A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once. STOPPANAGGIN – Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend. [...]

Long distance romance problems

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy [...]

Divorce Barbie

did you hear about the new divorced Barbie that is coming out at christmas? it comes with all ken’s accessories

Moving Out from the Ex

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a [...]

Good girls and bad girls

Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good [...]

The Happy Day

Bob’s father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, and best of all, some great porno flicks.Feeling the beer, Bob’s dad stands up and hollers to get everyone’s attention.”I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I’m so glad I could be [...]

Another shower joke…

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”

Irresistible

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?” The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.” The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying…

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you’d describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, “Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail.” Ralph replies “Make up [...]