Archive for the ‘seniors’ Category

I’m Not Saying You’re old………..

I’m not saying you’re old but who else… …has wrinkles on their teeth. …sprinkles tenderizer on their applesauce. …has a pterodactyl for a pet. …remembers when Baskin-Robins only had two flavors. …wears steel-belted support hose. …knew Sleeping Beauty when she was an ugly insomniac.

Titanium Legs

There was an old lady with titanium legs walking down the beach on her 100th birthday. She walked by a surfer guy and said “ I’ve never been fucked in my entire life, will you fuck me?” the guy says sure, and then he rips her arms and legs off and throws her into the [...]

The Old Man and the Treasure Chest

Once there was a very old man who had a treaure chest. He knew that he was going to die soon, so the old man and his wife decided to put the chest in the attic so he could take it with him on his way to Heavan. Five weeks later the man died. After [...]

Old Lady and Her Coins

An old lady was waiting for the bus. Because she had been mugged so many times on the street she kept all of her money in her underpants. When the bus finally came she dug in her underpants and pulled out a quarter to pay for her bus fare. The bus driver looked down at [...]

Honk Honk

An old man that was married to a rather beautiful young girl was so old that he could not maintain an erection. The girl, demanding sex, suggested that he go to his doctor and see what he could do. The old man went to his doctor and sure enough the doctor had a solution. He [...]

old lady says "f*ck"

How do you get an 80 year old lady to say “fuck”? Get another 80 year old lady to yell “Bingo”

The Most Grief

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the [...]

Two Old Ladies Driving

One day a couple of old ladies were driving. The passenger is just sitting there and she notices that they went right trough a red light! She thought it was just her imagination so she just sits there and relaxes. Then they went through another one. She looked at the driver and asked her, “Did [...]

Hairy Situation

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!” The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that very [...]

Two Old Women

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when [...]

Apples and Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in [...]

Old Man Got Some

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady [...]

Old Relatives

When I was younger I hated going to weddings … it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

God’s Doing a Better Job!

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?” “Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?” “Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to [...]

Medical Miracle

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.” “Get serious doctor, I’m 80.” “I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it [...]

Old Romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a sceond, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments [...]

Beans, a dollar a can…..

An older lady was taking the elevator to her floor when a young, sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on. She said,”Chanel-$50.00 an ounce.” and pressed the button for her floor. About 2 floors up, another young, sweet-smelling, beautiful woman came on the elevator. She said,”Bombardier-$100.00 an ounce.” and pressed the button for her floor. When the [...]

Old Man’s Sex Drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try [...]

The Flasher

One day two old ladys were sitting on a bench at the town park when a flasher walks up and flashes them. One old lady has a stroke, but the other one can’t reach!

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexual

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.” 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at [...]

Odd Thoughts

- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. – Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody listens to you. – Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn’t have it you won’t either. – If women can have PMS then why [...]

Americans were saying in 1959…

Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some of you will remember, some will only laugh… * I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20. * Have you seen the new cars coming out [...]

Old Bloke at the Movies

A young couple smell something while watching a movie together. So the young bloke taps an old bloke beside him on the shoulder and says, “Ay, old fulla, did you shit yourself?” The old bloke looks up slowly and says, “Yep.” “Why don’t you move then,” says the young lad. The old bloke grunts a [...]

Share Everything 50/50

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. [...]

Niagra? Viagra?

What is the differance between Niagra and Viagra? One goes up and the onter goes down.