Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

1wish

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the [...]

What Really Pissed Me Off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !”” “”Oh yeah? What happened?”” asked the bartender politely. “”See

Greek Honeymoon

There was a greek couple on a honeymoon. Being greek they didnt know what to do on the honeymoon. so the wife said to the husband “ring your mum she will know what to do”” so the husband rang his mum and asked “”mum what do people do on honeymoons”” mother replied “”you have sex [...]

Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

1 Don’t call, ever. 2 If you like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3 Lie. 4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike”” 6 Here’s a good pickup line

Mistakes

One day when Bill was out for lunch with his friend Jeff, they got into a conversation. Bill said “I feel really bad about what I did this morning.”” “”Why?”” asked Jeff. “”Well

18 Kids in the Family

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of “looming” retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, “Well, I only have two kids, but I [...]

Learning To Love

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. “Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.” “Oh yeah? What’s the problem?” “When I asked her if she could learn to love me,” he said, “she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

If you love something …

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if [...]

Irish Wedding Dance

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of [...]

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR DATES PARENTS

* “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.” * “Show me how you used to spank her.” * “Hi, I’m Hoopla69.” * “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?” * “I just got my license today.” * “I believe being sexually active [...]

At the Sperm Bank

A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open the fucking safe!” He yells at the girl behind the counter. “But we’re not a real bank.” She replies, “We don’t have any money, this is a sperm bank.” “Don’t argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head [...]

Mark of Respect

Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.”That was a nice gesture,” says the other man”Oh”, replies the first man, “It was the least I could [...]

Deaf bugger

Bob was worried about his wifes hearing so he visited the doctor. The doctor gave him step-by-step instructions on how to determain how serious the problem was. Later, when he got home he saw his wife in front of the oven. He stood in the doorway and said “Honey what are we having for dinner [...]

Calling for the Wife

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out in intervals, “Crisco, Cris-co!!!” Finally a store clerk approached, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 5.” “Oh,” replied the gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco. I’m calling my wife.” “Your wife is named ‘Crisco’?” “No,” he answered, “I only call her that [...]

Goofy

Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer demanding a divorce from Minnie Mouse. The lawyer reads the divorce papers that Mickey had prepared and says that the fact that Minnie has large teeth that stick out is not sufficient grounds for divorce. Mickey looks up at the lawyer and says “I didn`t say she had [...]

Hubby with vasectomy

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Edna to Priscilla.”But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Priscilla responded.”He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution.”

Favorite Flower

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” David leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, [...]

Betty Crocker

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?� A [...]

What will the neighbors think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.”It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”

The anniversery gift

One day a woman needed to get something for her husband for their anniversery. She decides that it would be really nice to get him a pet. So she goes to the local pet store and goes straight to the front desks and asks the person at the counter “I need a present for my [...]

One Footed Hubby

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom’s left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital. “Mother”, she sobbed, “My husband has only one foot.” The mother, trying to console her daughter said, “That’s alright dear, [...]

50th Anniversary

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, Do you remember this?” He looks up at her and says, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that [...]

“I married his widow,”

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed [...]

Bastard

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, [...]

Accountant Math!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying: “Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.” He then packed his things and went there. When [...]