Archive for the ‘quotes’ Category

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or…

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” – Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”

Honest Abe

QUOTE:”I freed who?!!” Abe Lincoln waking up with a hangover.

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now’s he gone….

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now’s he gone. – Steven Wright

The Rollercoster

Sex is like a rollercoster, when it’s good you want it to last for longer, when it’s bad you can’t wait to get off.

Coffee Quote

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.” – Dave Barry

Due to the shape of the North American Elk’s…

Due to the shape of the North American Elk’s esophagus. even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word lasagna. – Cliff Clavin, Cheers

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every mo

Will Rogers

Key Chain Quotes

- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people. – We’ll get along fine as soon as you realize I’m God. – Discourage inbreeding; ban country music. – Life is short. Don’t be a dick. – Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse! – Starlight Starbright where the [...]

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion….

Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion. – Edward Abbey

More predictions of life in the Year 2000

FOOD By the year 2000, everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little ball of fatty matter. — M. Berthelot, Strand magazine, 1901 By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp will be converted into sugary foods. Discarded table linen and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy. � John Smith, [...]

Kids truths :)

~ ~ Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned * No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. * When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never [...]

More stuff to ponder

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% [...]

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive [...]

“Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean…

“Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.” – Kristian Wilson, CEO, Nintendo Gaming Corporation, Inc, 1989

Nobody has so many friends that he can afford…

Nobody has so many friends that he can afford to lose one. – Edward Abbey

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would…

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye

The problem with the world is that everyone…

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

More quotes

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? ‘Don’t eat pork. God has spoken.’ Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?” –Jon Stewart “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the [...]

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”

Benjamin Franklin

Water Filtration System

‘When the water of a place is bad it is safest to drink none that has not been filtered through either the berry of a grape, or else a tub of malt. These are the most reliable filters yet invented.’ — Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

Never take a job where winter winds can blow…

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. – Geraldo Rivera

The man with the best job in the country is…

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How’s the President?” – Will Rogers

“The people who vote decide nothing….

“The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the vote decide everything.” – Josef Stalin

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.”

Laurie Kuslansky

Homer Simpson quotes

1. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.2. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?3. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or [...]