Archive for the ‘puns / word play’ Category

Tossed Off A Ship

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, “Beggars can’t be cruisers.”

Mole Smells

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, [...]

Party in the kingdom

In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.Suddenly, out of [...]

Name tags

Oh sorry, i thought that was a braille name tag u had on!

Jewish anthropologist

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of [...]

The eyes have it

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.’Is this yours?’ he shouted [...]

Teachers Pest

Teacher:Tell me, when was the great depression? Student:That was when I got my last report card.

The family of potatoes

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a [...]

Monster in a village

Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of [...]

The talking peanut.

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, ‘hey there buddy,’ it hollers, ‘you’re looking mighty fine tonight!’ The guy can’t believe what he is seeing. ‘This sure is some strong beer!’ He [...]

Caught Speeding.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, “PULLOVER!” “NO,” she yelled [...]

Prick in his hand

One day Little Johnny came home with a prick on his finger. “Mommy, can I have a glass of cider for the prick on my hand?” His mom offered to take it out with the tweezers. “No, I’d rather have some cider.” he said. His mom gave him the glass of cider and Little Johnny [...]

Glass Eye

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a girl looking down. “Is this yours?” he [...]

Cow + Cat + Rabbit

There is a hole in the road with a cow in it, a cat on top of the cow, and a rabbit on top of the cat. How would you describe the scene? Holy cow! That pussy’s got a lot of hair on it!

Engaged To Kate and Edith

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: “Get out of our lives you rascal. We’ll teach you that you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.”

You so pooor

You so poor when I saw your mama walking down the street kicking a can I walked up to her and asked her what she was doing she said she was moving.

Ant Eater

What’s another name for a ant eater? An uncle.

Head goes to the bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the [...]

A Head

A while ago there lived a boy. He was different from all other boys because he was born without any legs or arms. He lived his life for 21 long years. During this time his father prayed and prayed. On his 21st birthday his father took him to a bar to have his first drink. [...]

Fat vs. Virgin (pun alert!)

What’s the difference between a fat lady and a virgin?Ones tryin’ to diet the other dyin’ to try it!!!!!!

Try joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”The guy [...]

Truck Driver Snow

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts. “Say, what’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. “It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours?” “I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she [...]

Transylvania vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts [...]

Athletes

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? – Mistle toe, of course!

Start a Farm

A guy wants to start a farm. He goes to the market, and a salesman notices him. He comes over and says, “Can I help you sir?” “Well,” the guy says, “I need to buy a rooster.” “Oh,” says the salesman, “They are over here, but we don’t call them roosters, we call them pull-its.” [...]