Archive for the ‘professionals’ Category

Naked Hamlet

An English Literature professor saw a performance of Hamlet in London. During the scene at the end of the third act where Hamlet is verbally berating his mother, the actor portraying Hamlet ripped all his clothes off and stood up straight with full frontal nudity.My professor could not comprehend this interpretation until he was on [...]

Top 10 Reasons To Study Economics

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands.” 2. Economists can supply it on demand. 3. You can talk about money without every having to make any. 4. You get to say “trickle down” with a straight face. 5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they [...]

Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs!

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly. “Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost [...]

The Island fruit

Three guys were stranded on an Island. one was named justin, one timmy, and one eric. the men came across a genie’s lamp and wished to go off the island. the genie agreed but said you must bring me one piece of fruit by this time tomarrow. they agreeded and came back with fruit. the [...]

The New Alaskan

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the “Ritual” yet. The lad asks what the “ritual” [...]

Funny

There once was a boy named doda .he had no arms no legs .his friends where scared of doda’s mother, so they had to see who picked the smallest straw to ask doda’s mother if he can go fishing. so when the one boy went to ask, the mother said ok. when they got there [...]

Fishing freak

Why did the boy cross the road 2 phone 07952423099 fishing freak for advice (true story)

Fishing Proverb

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can sell him a rod.

A Hunting We Will Go

A guy is getting ready to hunt when his wife asks if she can go “No way. We would be getting up early and you never know what the weather is like. I just don’t think you could handle it.” “Please”, his wife begs, “you never do anything with me.” “Fine”, he sats, “I’ll see [...]

All my doctor does is send me to see other…

All my doctor does is send me to see other doctors. I don’t know if he’s really a doctor or a booking agent.

Neighbour’s surprise

John comes home from holidays and almost immediately has another confrontation with his neighbour and long time enemy. Later, inside and unpacking, he finds a bottle he didn’t remember buying. Still it looks good so he gives it polish . . ., and whoosh, out comes a genie. “Oh holder of the bottle, I grant [...]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator…

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

Quote

If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish he will drink beer, tell lies and wear a stupid hat.

Mark Bookspan

One time, Mark Bookspan accidentally shot himself in the stomach while hunting and peed blood for a week.

Foot long liter

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy with a foot long liter. he asks “the man where did he get it?” the guy “replies there is a lamp by the lake rub it and the genie in it will grant you one wish.” So the man runs to the lake finds [...]

how are lawyers like sperm?…

how are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

What do you call it when a law firm goes skydiving?…

What do you call it when a law firm goes skydiving? Skeet.

Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few. “I [...]

Duel Genie

A guy was walking down the beach and found a bottle and picked it up. A genie appeared and said, “Thank you for releasing me. As a reward I will grant you 3 wishes.” So the man said, “I wish for a million dollars.” and he got a million dollars. The man said, “I wish [...]

Craping guts

One day 3 guys go hunting John, Jeff and BJ. John gets the frist kill of the day with a 12 point Buck. While he’s guting it Jeff has to take a crap, so he tells BJ and John and runs off. Jeff took off his pants got on a tree branch and fell a [...]

Putdowns by Wrestler Bill “The Bard” Shakespeare

1> “Hie thee away, scoundrel, lest this metallic vessel be oped; its whoop-ass forthwith unleash’d.” 2> “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s eve? For verily, thou art a douche-bag!” 3> “Unbridled envy wouldst thine ample codpiece inspire, save that it concealeth naught but a minnow.” 4> “Get thee to a nunnery! For next to [...]

A Case For The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece [...]

N/A

An Arab, a Russian, a Jamaican, and an American are on a boat. The Russian takes out a big flask of vodka, takes a sip, and then throws it over board. The American asks him why he did that. “Where I come from, we have plenty of vodka.” Then, the Jamaican takes out a big [...]

Man visits psychiatrist:…

Man visits psychiatrist: Man: “Doctor, Doctor I have a problem.” Psy: “Tell me about it.” Man: “Doctor, Doctor I like mashed potatoes.” Psy: “There’s nothing wrong with that. I also like mashed potatoes.” Man: “Wonderful, would you like to come over and see my collection some time.”

Fishing

It was alovely summers day and a husband says to his wife, `Lets you me and the dog go fishing! no! says the wife , You know I hate fishing. So the husband replys,You have a choice, you either come fishing with me and the dog, give me a blowjob or take it up the [...]