Archive for the ‘mostly true stories’ Category

The Wrinkled Nightgown

The Wrinkled Nightgown A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word

Safeway has made a $1.7

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills, “The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard yelling ‘Price check on the company!’” He adds, “the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out a huge stack of double-value coupons.”

Thoughts

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t work. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. What is mind? No matter What is matter? Never mind. “MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the [...]

The Democratic National Committee finally

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, “Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees.”

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter,…

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to theft subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor store. In the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the name board that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon…

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four males sitting in the car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required…so get out of [...]

John Kallam graduated with a

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930′s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books [...]

Embarrassing Moments

The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment’s Contest in New Woman Magazine. “It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped [...]

Learn’t from kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in [...]

Strange Deaths

JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him. ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a [...]

This is supposedly a true story from a recent…

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land Operations/Simulation division. They’ve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most [...]

One of our Favorite Headlines…

One of our Favorite Headlines “Prostitutes Appeal to Pope”

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech…

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name. From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caen’s column

In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin…

In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road construction.

A driver, who crashed into

A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometre before being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were [...]

According to the Washington Times (7/2/97)…

According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks, their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the [...]

Aussie Flight Sim

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land Operations/Simulation division. They’d been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most [...]

Triplets

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn’t perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running [...]

Saving your sister

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed [...]

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot [...]

Not so famous quotes

Eugene d’Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, “Congratulations, Herr d’Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.” During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was [...]

When asked for her occupation,

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red [...]

Eating Slugs

About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his 3 year old sister disappeared from their home. The police searched, the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced that there was still no trace of the children. The kids showed up a few days [...]

Ebonics Christmas

Ebonics Crimmus Pome Wuz de nite befo Crimmus An’ all ower de hood ereybody wuz’ sleepin’ Dey wuz sleepin’ good We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de’ heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin’ our check All o’de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru’ dey heads I [...]

Have you ever wondered why?

-Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese? -Men who can’t pay their credit card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt? -Men who aren’t on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East? -Men who flunked [...]