Archive for the ‘military’ Category

Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday [...]

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret [...]

Sick and Pompous General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his [...]

US Military Then & Now

1945 – we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 2000 – they put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945 – your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive. 2000 – she is in the same trench praying your condom worked. 1945 – medals were awarded to heroes [...]

Southern Party with Navy Officers

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: “Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda’s, coming of age party. I would like you to [...]

Aussie Trouser Snake.

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines. The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. ” In the [...]

Leutenant’s Daughter

The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick. She asked if he would please spell the name slowly. He said, “H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, [...]

Your mamma is so fat….

Your mamma is so fat she played pool with the planets.

Fishing for Insults

“I suppose,” snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, “that when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave.” “Not me,” observed the private. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”

Nobody Move

Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

U-Boat

A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, “Sir, is that a U-boat? “No,” he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment.”

Q. What is

Q. What is Roseanne Barr’s favorite sex toy? A. Ben – Wa basketballs.

The Main Gate

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, ‘Halt, who goes there?’The chauffeur, a corporal, says, ‘General Wheeler.”I’m [...]

Military Intelligence

Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.” Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.” Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.” Solution: “Auto land not installed on this [...]

Definition #1

Definition of USMC Uncle Sams Misguided Childern

Hitler and the Pig

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn’t see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car. Stopping the car, [...]

US Air Force Humor!

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, [...]

Women Rock

What do women and rocks have in common? You skip the flat ones

Gun Barrel

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks “What does one do about sex around here?” The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds [...]

Yo mamma………

yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to see a movie she sits next to everybody

Early retirement

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension [...]

Long and hard…

What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine.

Pilot

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an [...]

Top Ten Sailor Complaints About New York City

10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black 9. Ever since Disney took over times square, all the hookers are dressed like “Goofy” 8. Ship’s propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses 7. When you hear “Hello Sailor!” it’s almost always in a baritone voice 6. Guys in street [...]

19 Things Not To Say To The Officer

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on. 3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people? 4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. 5. I thought you had to be in good physical [...]