Archive for the ‘medical’ Category

Pen problem

When asked to sign a document a doctor pulled a rectal thermometer out of his pocket, “damn!””

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?”” she [...]

Funeral Thoughts

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one [...]

Dr. Johnson

Once there was a lady who had small tits. Well on day she heard about this doctor called Dr. Johnson.So of course she went to see him. He told her how he could help, but she had second thoughts about doing it. He told her to pinch her tits and sing, ” mary had a [...]

Good news – Bad news

This guy isn’t feeling good so he goes and gets a check-up. The doctor calls him back in and tells him he has nothing but bad news. ” You’re terminal

The Urinalysis

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse [...]

Professional Services

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, ‘Hi there handsome. How are you doing?’ before wiggling her backside and walking off. ‘Who was that?!’ [...]

Dentist

A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said �You must be a good dentist.� He replied, �How did you know I’m a dentist.� She said, �I didn’t feel a thing.�

Letters from charities

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer’s group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

Doctor, Doctor! Gimme The News!

An old man and an old lady went in the doctor’s office to get their yearly exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information from them. He then told the old man that he needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample. The old man turned to the old lady [...]

Corpsalicious!

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensics�. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. [...]

Blonde – Mating Call

What is a blonde’s mating call? ”NEXT!”

What’s for Dinner?

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.” “Well,” the doctor replies, “go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her [...]

Not the best day.

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the [...]

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.”Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?””No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

Thumb

A young couple goes to a restaurant and orders some food. The waiter brings the first dish and they notice that they have his the thumb stuck in the food. At first, they thought it was a distraction, but then they noticed that the waiter was doing this with every time he brought a dish, [...]

Yuck!!

There was an old woman. She went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, “do you know what a dildo is?” The clerk said, “yes”. In a shaky voice she asked, “do you sell them?” “Why yes” the clerk answeresd. In a shakier voice she asked, “do you know how to [...]

Ouch!

Went to my doctor the other day for the old annual physical. Every couple of years this includes a colon exam. My doctor just examines the lower part of the colon (Flexible Fiberoptic Sigmoidoscopy) and, if everything is alright there, doesn’t recommend the more intrusive colonoscopy. While explaining this to me, the interaction went something [...]

Headache Cure

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..”.He is interrupted [...]

The infertile patient!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire [...]

Two pyscologists

2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day. One said to the other, “You’re good today, how am I?

I can cure pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot [...]

Food for Thought

Patient: Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.” Doctor: That’s easy. Eat shit!

Flu?

The patient sat there looking ill and asked, ”Flu?” The doctor replied, ”No, I came on my bicycle actually!”

The Diagnosis!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion. She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang. She asked Dr. [...]