Archive for the ‘lawyers’ Category

1 ounce

A woman has a brain tomber and 1 ounce of her brain is removed. So she goes to a futuristic store to buy an ounce of brain. She asks the prices and the clerk replies,”depends on what your looking for.”” So the the Woman asks “”rocket Scientist.”” Clerk Replies “”$10

not driving by the rules

there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said “do u know how fast you were going?” duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.

Motor Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

Lawyer Hunting Regulations!

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200 1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally [...]

Fair

Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair.

Lawyer quickies 2

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer? A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What [...]

An attorney passed on and found

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least [...]

No…Really…

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” re`lied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked [...]

Lawyer and vulture

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: Wings.

Flood

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate [...]

FRIVILOUS LAW SUITS BY US JAILBIRDS

A Virginia inmate tried to sue him for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million. A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil [...]

What did you see?

Attorney: And what did you see when the defendant pulled down his pants? Witness: It looked like a penis, only smaller.

I think

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

You Need A New Lawyer When..

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.” 3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. 4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.” 5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 6. [...]

Russian, Cuban, American and a Lawyer

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good [...]

Car Thief

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why ?” asked the judge. “He won [...]

Two small boys

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked [...]

Cold

It was so cold last winter… …I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

The Czech is in the male

There was once a very rich lawyer who owned a large house up in Washington state. Every summer, he would have a friend come by for a visit, and this year, he chose a fellow lawyer from the Czech Republic. The were having a great time. Every day, they would wake up early and collect [...]

Hungry Gator

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. “Do you serve lawyers in here?”, the man inquires.”Sure do!”, replied the bartender.”Great!”, the man said. “I’ll have a Coors Light, and how ’bout a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

Lawyer at beach

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?”Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”

A lawyer at the box office

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, [...]

Trial

Having been propositioned by a well-defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn’t get it. [...]

Discovery

Attorney General: Would the Court like me to put a very brief statement on the record about the discovery that was made today? Judge: No. Defense Attorney: No Judge (to reporter): Would you like him to do that, Cathy? Reporter: No.

Space photography

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene. Joke found on [...]