Archive for the ‘jews’ Category

Blood Tells

The teacher said, “I’ll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.” An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.” Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was [...]

Orange Yarn

Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, ‘Hey Jew!!!… I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, [...]

Jewish Mother Joke

And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.She says, ‘I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to [...]

At the beach

Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!” “Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard. “I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.” “What!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing.”

Two beggars in Mexico

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the [...]

Good news bad news about our son

“Oy vey! I’ve got good news and bad news about our son.” said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband.”Give me the bad news first!” said Mr. Shapiro.”Our boy’s become a homosexual!””Oy! So what’s the good news?””He’s going with a rich doctor!”

90′s Rabbi Student

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day. “Well, mommy, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his [...]

HS Reunion and Grandmas

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your [...]

The Jewish CIA

President Bush, newly elected, calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before WE do?” The CIA chief says, “It’s because the Jews have this expression, ‘Vus Tutzuch? (What’s doing?)’ They just ask each other and they know everything! “ George Bush says that he has to see [...]

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah

Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah 10. No roof damage from reindeer 9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones 8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races 6. You can use your fireplace5. [...]

Oy Shaygets

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, “Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your [...]

You may be a Jewish Redneck

1. You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke3. Instead of a noisemaker, you’ve fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman’s name4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher6. You think marrying your first cousin [...]

Top 12 reasons why we like Chanukah

12. You can’t be nailed to the menorah11. More elephants in the Hanukkah story10. No roof damage from reindeer9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones8. Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe7. Betting Hanukkah gelt on candle races6. Yes, Rivka’le, there is no Santa Claus5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games4. Fun waxy buildup3. No [...]

Different Views from Different Pews

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and [...]

Two jews on a desert Island

Two Jews are stranded on a desert island. They build three synagogues — one for the orthodox Jew, one for the reform Jew, and one that neither one of them will ever set foot in!

Jews Are The Cutting Edge!lol

Once there was a little boy called sekket who was Jewish, and wouldn’t play with anyone but the Christian boy,called Tom,who lived next door. One day Tom was showing Sekket his toys when he picked up his toy truck, to show him. “Wow that’s nice!” Sekket said “Yes mummy says to treasure my toys” He [...]

Home for the Aged

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, “This house is becoming to much for us, let’s sell it and each move into a home for the aged.Each went to a [...]

The Minister, Priest and Rabbi

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries [...]

Hitler On His Death Bed

Hitler is lying on his death bed and he asks his top advisor, “Why did we lose the war?” His top advisor responds, “Well sir it was because of all those damned Jewish generals!” Hitler says, “But there wasn’t a Jewish general anywhere in my ranks.” The advisor replies, “I know that was the problem. [...]

Cutting At An Angle

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men’s Room. It’s crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, “You’re Jewish?” “Yes.” “You come from Sudbury?” “Yes.” “Your parents went to Temple [...]

Speaking Yiddish

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up [...]

Wave that Towel…

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the [...]

The Eight Days of Hanukkah (song)

The Eight Days of HanukkahOn the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseOn the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 [...]

Honeybees

Two bees meet at a local rosebush.First Bee: You look horrible — emaciated. Have you been getting enough to eat?Second Bee: I know. Haven’t been lucky. I’m practically starving.First Bee: Hey! There’s a Bar Mitzvah just a couple of hundred yards down the road. They always have plenty of flowers & a lot to eat. [...]

Jewish Holiday Menu

Latkes: A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a Latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the [...]