Archive for the ‘irish / british’ Category

Stinking, Drunken, and Closefisted

A stinking Brit, a drunken Irishman, and a closefisted Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.The stinking Brit says, “Bartender, can I have a spoon?” and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The drunken Irishman says, “Get out of [...]

Noisy Neighbors

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city. After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up. “I love it here Mother,” [...]

Sandwiches

There once was this American, Scottish man, and Irishman who all used to work together at the same building site, and each day they would sit out on a steel girder 40 floors high and eat their lunches. One day the american opens his lunch up and says, “fucken baloney, I have had it everyday [...]

Air Disaster

Ireland’s worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Letter from an Irish Mother

Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know that you can’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you get home because we’ve moved. About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him; he [...]

Scottish Cows

One day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man, were standing on a bridge. As they were standing on the bridge chatting, a herd of cows crossed the bridge. “Those have got to be English cows,” the Englishman commented. “They’re black and white.” “No,” the Irishmen argued. “They’ve got to be Irish cows, they [...]

Drink driving

A man was driving home after a hard days drinking in a English country pub. He was doing 80 mph down a narrow lane when he saw two Welsh men walking up the lane towards him. They saw him coming towards them at high speed and tried to get out of his way. Unfortunatly for [...]

Never Trust a Corkman

This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks her to sleep with him. Although [...]

ouch!

A man walks into a bar Ouch!

Haunted Bathroom

One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were waiting to go to the toilet. The first one to enter the bathroom was the English man. He was just about to do his buisness when all of a sudden he froze. He had heard a voice, a chilling, spinetingling whisper. He then [...]

The S.A.S.

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman all apply to join the SAS and are called for interview. Paddy the Englishman was first in to be greeted by two high ranking officers. “Paddy, we in the SAS are double-hard bastards”, said one. “In order to join, you too must prove you are [...]

Walk up the Beam of Light

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies for the UK Government during the cold war when they’re captured by the Ruskies. Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners. The Russians talk and decide not to release [...]

Welsh Farmer

A hiker is walking through the fields of Wales when he sees a Welsh farmer holding a sheep. The sheep seems to be in some distress so the hiker wanders over to the farmer to enquire what he is doing. “Are you shearing?” asks the man “No, get your own!!!” came the reply.

Fully Erected Irish

What would happen if an Irish was walking blindfolded towards a brick wall with a fully erect penis? He’d break his nose.

Drinking with the Brothers

An Irish man went to a pub and asked for 4 pints of beer. The bartender recommended that the Irish man get the pints one at a time so that he could enjoy each one before it gets hot. The Irish man said he wanted all four at a time to remind him when his [...]

Irishman Falling Down

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will [...]

Irish

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went [...]

An English-man, an Irish-man and a Scots-man

There was an English man, an Irish man and a scots man. They found a dairy slice in a cave. the scots man goes into the cave and a voice says whatever you do don’t eat the slice. so the scots man runs out. The English man goes in and does the same thing. the [...]

Irish Jokes

How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the door! How do you sink an Irish submarine again? Knock on the door and they will open the window and say “I’m not falling for that one again”! How do you know that an Irishman has been using Microsoft Word? Eraser marks on the screen! [...]

Irish Idiot

A priest and a Irish man are having a game of golf together. The Irish man takes the biggest swing ever…………SMASH a huge pile of dirt goes flying “OH JESUS CHRIST I F#@*!ING MISSED” screamed the Irish man. “hey now you control your language” said the priest in an angry tone. So they were up [...]

Irish Jokes

there’s an English man an irish man and a scottish bloke. they all go into a bar, the irish man challenges the other to, to see who can get their dog the furthest round the block with doing a crap on the pavement. they agree. The english man gets a 1/4 of the way round [...]

Sandwhich?

One day, an English man, a Scott and an Irish man were working on the top of a skyscraper, which was under construction. And as they always do, at 1:30pm sharp, the hear the wistle for the lunch hour, and get out their lunch boxes. The English man sits next to the Scott and the [...]

Getting into Olympics

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all went to the Olympics, but they had forgot to order any tickets in advance. When they got to the ticket office, the lady behind the desk told them that there were no tickets left. All three were devastated until the Englishman had an idea. He walked over to [...]

Flags

A Irishman went into a flag shop and asked for a green unionjack. The guy behind the counter said, “A green unionjack what? We don’t do green unionjacks you fool.” The Irishman asked, “What colours do you do them in them?” “Red white and blue, like everywhere else.” Replies the salesman. The Irishman says, “I’ll [...]

Englishman, Scotishman and an Irishman

The three men are sat on the building site having their lunch. The Englishman opens his lunchbox and says ‘Oh no, chedder again, if I get chedder again tomorrow I’m gona throw myself off this building site!’ The Scotishman opens his lunchbox and says, ‘Oh crap! No haggis again! If I’ve got haggis tomorrow I’m [...]