Archive for the ‘holidays’ Category

New Policy on Twelve Days…

New Policy on Twelve Days Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ”Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance Two turtle doves represent a [...]

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is Wielding a Gun (to the tune of ”Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”) Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I’m telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He’s making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He’s gonna ice Santa [...]

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN’T10. ‘Reach in and grab the giblets.’9. ‘Whew…that’s one terrific spread!’8. ‘I am in the mood for a little dark meat!’7. ‘Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.’6. ‘Talk about a HUGE breast!’5. ‘And he forces his way into the end zone!’4. ‘She’s 5000 [...]

Valentine’s Day

Hearts and roses and What the hell is al People get mushy and st It is definatley the most annoying This day needs to get the hell ov Before i shove a dozen rose I’ll spend the day so dru And wear all black for the Guys act all sweet, but i For all they [...]

The strange Christmas scene

In a small southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked [...]

The Top 15 Signs Santa’s Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)

15> There’s a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop. 14> All of this year’s rocking horses are sporting a fifth “leg.” 13> They punch out Santa’s lights before he even gets to the second “ho.” 12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping [...]

The Top 15 Signs Santa’s Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I)

15> Five minutes into the Christmas Eve flight, it becomes apparent someone Ex-Laxed the reindeer’s feed. 14> More and more break room discussions about joining the military — especially after Legolas’ e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring. 13> Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the [...]

Question and answer Christmas jokes

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?””Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.”That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?””Before the store opened”, countered the prisoner.

Top 10 Signs You Are

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand [...]

Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to [...]

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes.

Santa and MJ

Why is Michael Jackson pissed at Santa Claus? Because he refuses to sell his list of naughty boys!

A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.”Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.””Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I [...]

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

Conduct During the Holiday Season

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko’s to make tinsel is discouraged. Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor’s push-button phone during a party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.) Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under “Bah, Humbug.” Rental cars are not to be used to [...]

The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts

18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called “Santa Kurtz.” 17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle. 16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard. 15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole “Tundra Oysters” ready for the toddlers. 14. After every child’s [...]

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!” Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer [...]

Things not to say on your Valentine’s date

* I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. * I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. * I used to come here all the time with my ex. * I never said you NEED a nose job. I [...]

Hillbillies on Halloween

What do hillbillies do on Halloween? Pump kin.

A geek’s list of thanks

1. Be thankful you haven’t been spammed!2. Be thankful your computer isn’t down!3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn’t down!4. Be thankful you don’t have The Good Times virus!5. Be thankful your server isn’t down!6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!8. [...]

Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineering Analysis

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, [...]

Politically Correct Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck… How to live in a world that’s politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to “Elves,” “Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, [...]

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines…

Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines 16. Let’s play ‘bury the shank bone’. 15. Gefilte fish jelly makes great lubrication. 14. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac. 13. Have you ever done it on a seder plate? 12. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome. 11. Let’s make this night really different [...]

The Top 12 Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman

12> Friggin’ sunglasses keep falling off your neck. 11> “Bad hair days” replaced by much scarier “bad jugular” days. 10> Always get disqualified for missing the first jump in the steeple chase. 9> Headless sex. 8> Cognitive thought with just a spinal cord is like trying to… trying to… DAMMIT! 7> Rectal bong hits just [...]