Archive for the ‘engineers’ Category

Graphics blind the eyes

Graphics blind the eyes. Audio files deafen the ear. Mouse clicks numb the fingers. Heuristics weaken the mind. Options wither the heart. The Guru observes the net but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is as open as the ether.

Economics ruins life

Economics is ruining your life when… – I tried to calculate my 3 year old son’s discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner – I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles [...]

Girlfriend

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some [...]

Accountant in Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a [...]

Big Bang

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang? A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.

Signs your spouse is having an affair with a compu

1. Lately she sits at the computer naked. 2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette. 3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 5. She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed. 6. She makes sarcastic remakrs about your “software”. 7. Lipstick on [...]

I have a big problem

Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, “Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.” “Not a big deal Boris, I’m stuck [...]

Light bulb

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New Scientist)

Real flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…” Pilot – “Folks, we have [...]

An engineer and a programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to [...]

Colonel

Q: What do you call a Soldier who can read and write? A: Colonel

The Pleasure of Translation

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask [...]

Wage rate

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends on the wage rate.

A blind pilot is flying this plane?

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, [...]

What’s the difference

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

The Times newspaper

The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of Records. When the compiler came round to check, he informed [...]

Sensible changes

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.” The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d [...]

Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, [...]

Itemized Engineering Fee

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else [...]

Eight

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

US MILITARY

The U.S. military has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The [...]

Blonde Sandwich

An Irish, a Mexican, and a blonde dude were working on a 200 foot scaffold. One day, at lunch, the Irish said,”Darn! Cornbeef and Cabbage again! If I get another one of those sandwiches tomorrow, I’m going to jump of the scaffold.” Then the Mexican said,”Darn! Burritos again! If I get thos tomorrow, I too [...]

Reincarnated

Q: Will I be reincarnated? A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Online Banking

Eager to make full use of my new computer’s capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. “Certainly,” she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. “The line starts over there.”

Life As A Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”. Hit “any key” to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To [...]