Archive for the ‘education’ Category

Number Test

DON’T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly. FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can! What is: 2+2? 4+4? 8+8? 16+16? Quick! Pick a [...]

What My Mom Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling test, [...]

To All Students!

Memo to all students: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you [...]

University of Illinois Football Exam

University of Illinois Entrance exam Football player version Time limit: 3 weeks 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – or – give the first name of Pierre Tudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespear to: [...]

Candybars

There was this boy who had this babe of a teacher. She was hooked on candybars. The boy really wanted to see this chick naked. When she was about to go home, he said to her, can I go home with you. “No,” the teacher replied. He then said, “I’ll give you a candybar.” So [...]

Teacher and Pupil

Pupil : Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they didn’t do? Teacher: No, Of course not!! Pupil : Oh good, Because i haven’t done my homework!!! ******************** Teacher: You have your shoes on the wrong feet. Pupil : They’re the only feet I have. ******************** Teacher: What can you tell me about the [...]

Singing University of Michigan Fight Song

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man’s butt. Mystified, [...]

Purple Blurple

One day while Jonny was in class, his friend dared him to ask what a purple blurple is. So Jonny raised his hand and the teacher called on him, cuz everyone knows Jonny. Jonny asked, “Whats a purple blurple?” “Jonny! How dare you ask such a horrible question! I’m taking you to the principal’s office!” [...]

Lil’ Johnny vs. Bus Driver

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, “If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion.” He kept on talking to himself like this. After 10 minutes of [...]

20 Fun Things To Do During a Graduation Ceremony

1. Put Salsa dip in your mortarboard. Pass it around for a snack. 2. Spread rubber cement on every seat except yours. Watch the fun as everyone tries to leave. 3. Replace all diplomas with acheivement certificates from “Bed Wetters Anonymous.” 4. Bring a whoopie cushion and stink bombs. Be creative with this one. 5. [...]

100%

Susie came skipping up the walk. She opened the door and said, “Mommy! I got a 100 today!” The mother replied, “That’s great, dear! What did you get it in?” “Two things,” Susie said. “I got a 46 in science, and a 54 in mathematics.”

Problems in Math

Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math. “What happend?” asked his dad. “The teacher got mad at me.” Little Johnny grumbled. “What for?” his dad asked. “She asked me what 2 x 3was. I told her 6.” “Well, that’s right.” Said the dad. “I know.” [...]

Are you gonna punish me?

Kid : Do you punish people for things they don’t do? Teacher: No. Kid : Great! I didn’t do my homework.

Long and Pink

“Today in class”, said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. “Were going to play a guessing game”. “Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good”. Little Susie raised her hand. “its a lemon!” “No I’m sorry its a banana but I’m glad to se your thinking” “Next one, its red, a fruit, [...]

Life Happens

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer, or that’s Michael; he’s a doctor.’” A small [...]

Bobby’s In Trouble

Bobby was in kindergarten. “For homework, I want all of you to go home and find out the first four letters of the alphabet,” said the teacher. So when Bobby got home, he went to his mother, who was talking on the phone. “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?” he asked. “Aw, shut up,” [...]

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, “Take only one apple, God is watching!” Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip [...]

Been Out Of College Too Long When…

You know you’ve been out of college too long when… – Your potted plants stay alive. – Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. – You keep more food than beer in the fridge. – 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. – You hear your favorite song [...]

Chalkboard Assignment

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?” “I just saw one [...]

librarian conspericy

What Reading Can Do From Dilbert. Reading is knowledge Knowledge is power Power corrupts corrupton is a crime crime doesn’t pay if you keep reading you’ll go broke. “It always seemed so harmless” That’s what librarians want you to think.

College Essay

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant applying to colleges/universities. The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU [...]

Los Angeles Exam

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam NAME:____________________ GANG NAME:______________________ 1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload? 2. [...]

College Students Alphabet

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college. B- Beer: It’s whats for dinner. C- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party. D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic. E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in [...]

The Top 12 Fun Things To Do in Detention

12. If a girl is sitting next to you, say “Boy, your mustache is really growing in nicely.” If a guy is sitting next to you, say “That eyeshadow does wonders for you. You MUST tell me where you got it.” 11. Declare war on the people on the other side of the room. Take [...]

Quizes

I once had a science teacher who called a quiz, a quizacle. Well I asked him……….”if you call quizes quizacles, what do you call tests?”