Archive for the ‘computers’ Category

New sayings for the Internet

1. Home is where you hang your @.2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.5. Great groups from little icons grow.6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.7. C: is the root [...]

If Dr. Suess wrote about Computer Users

Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?” User: “I would not, could not, RTFM I want *YOU* to solve my problem.” Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?” User: “I would not read the docs online, Without them I can do [...]

Programmer’s drinking song

99 little bugs in the code,99 bugs in the code,Fix one bug, compile it again,101 little bugs in the code.101 little bugs in the code,101 bugs in the code,Fix one bug, compile it again,103 little bugs in the code.

Happy99 Virus

First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don’t open it –it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them.But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven’t yet received it? 1) You have no friends2) Even mail handlers [...]

computerese poem

!* ‘ ‘ #^”`$$-!*=@$_%*~#4&[]../

Tech Support (Classic)

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.” “What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” “Went away?” “They disappeared.” “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.” “Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when [...]

Can you relate to this!

Can any of you relate to these “addiction” quips? I sure can The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus. The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you don’t even [...]

Bill Gates joke 2

Why does Bill Gates wear layer-up-on-layer of wooly jumpers? Because he likes Soft-Ware!

Dr. Seuss’s Guide to the Internet

Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! [...]

New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies… I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children — my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I [...]

Why email is like a

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.7. Many of those who [...]

The PDP

In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6.”What are you doing?”, asked Minsky.”I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe.” “Why is the net wired randomly?”, asked Minsky.”I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play.” [...]

An IBM acronym

IBM compatible – IBM contemptible

The Y2K Song….

(With apologies to Country Joe McDonald, who had nothing to do with this parody.)Gimme a Y! Y!Gimme a 2! 2!Gimme a K! K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!What’s that spell ? Y2K!Yeah, come on all of you, big strong nerds,Uncle Sam’s laid a bunch of turds.He’s got himself in a terrible placeWay [...]

Top 15 Signs That

Top 15 Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Of the 90′s 15. You try to enter your password on the microwave 14. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. 13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 12. You e-mail your son in [...]

If this company ran Christmas…

If Dell ran Christmas…Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?

Letters from Little Billy

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, [...]

Can’t Argue With That Logic

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate. The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. “Time to buy a new car!” he announces. Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first [...]

Airline Programming

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?” Only one man sat motionless among the ensuing forest of [...]

Apple iDump

My Dear Husband

My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy [...]

Merry Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the houseNot a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung by the modem with careIn hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.The children were nestled all snug in their beds,While visions of [...]

MS Word Pinball

Version 6.0: Open a blank document, and type T3!. Select all three characters and press the Bold button on the toolbar. Next, go to the Format menu, select AutoFormat, and press OK. When prompted, click the Accept button to accept the formatting changes. Finally, select About from the Help menu. Click on Microsoft Word icon [...]

The “real story” of the three bears..

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge,” he squeaks? Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his [...]

How to be annoying o

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You [...]