Archive for the ‘car bumpers’ Category

I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute [...]

Sarcasm is

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.” Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Adults are just kids who owe money. Who are these [...]

If we

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A penny saved is ridiculous. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Ambition is [...]

WANTED: Meaningful

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots….I married their king. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality [...]

Those who

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder [...]

Stop repeat

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?I intend to live forever – so far, so good.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?I used to have an open mind but my brains kept [...]

All generalizations

All generalizations are false, including this one. “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a “free” gift [...]

Woman driver and the trees

A woman driver is heading down the expressway, when all of a sudden the woman sees a tree to her left, a tree to her right, and a tree directly in front of her, so she swerves and hits a guardrail. Later, a cop arrives and ask her what happened, to which she replied,”I saw [...]

Circular Definition:

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.Editing is a rewording activity.Make yourself at home …..clean my kitchen Allow me to introduce my selves Better living through denial I’m just working here until a good fast food job opens up…. Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work [...]

“All generalizations

“All generalizations are false.””Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.””Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death””Cover me. I’m changing lanes.””The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.””Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep””Work is [...]

Those who

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder [...]

On the

On the other hand, you have different fingers.”I love cats…they taste just like chicken””Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.””Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician””I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….””Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still [...]

“Lead me

“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.””I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon””3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.””2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.””I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. “”MY [...]

A cubicle

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply I’m just driving this way to get you mad.Keep honking, I’m reloading. Hang up and drive. [...]

“Time is

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!””According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.””Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.””How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms””Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they [...]

It’s not

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Back Up My [...]

I love

I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.” Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks [...]

My karma

My karma ran over your dogma.I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.I’m not driving fast-just flying low.Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”I is a college student.”If you can read this, I can hit my brakes [...]

“Women who

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.””It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.””If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.””I Brake For No Apparent Reason.””When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.””Sorry, I don’t date [...]

Death is

Death is Nature’s way of saying ‘slow down’. Don’t force it, get a larger hammer. Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can [...]

Gravity -

Gravity – It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?Life is too complicated in the morning.All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized AutobiographyNobody’s perfect. I’m a [...]