Archive for June, 2010

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented b

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teeth brush”.

Bad Day at the Office (True Story)

You thought you had a bad day at the office…. A true story… A professional scuba diver’s letter to his sister… April, 1998 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must [...]

Want some of this?

After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage. She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, “Do you want some of this?” He replied, “Hell No… Look what it did to those panties!” [...]

Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales

Un d�a dos j�venes homosexuales fueron de visita al zool�gico. Caminaban por todas las secciones del mismo cuando se encontraron con la jaula del gorila. El gorila estaba sentado en una esquina de la jaula con una tremenda erecci�n. “Me pregunto c�mo se ha de sentir”, suspira uno de los maricas. “Pues solamente hay una [...]

How It All Began…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her [...]

Get in the rubbish!!

Once I was in Argentina after going from Mendoza to Cordoba(a 2 day travel)… Suddenly we found a hotel… And my mom said “C’mon everybody put the rubbish inside this plastic bag” and then I say to my sister(Which her name is Charlotte)”Yeah, Charlotte get in the bag!!!!”

Drown a blonde

Q.how do you drown a blonde A.put a mirror at the bottom of a pool

Your momma

yo momma so stupid that when she went to the super bowl she thouhtshe had to bring a super spoon

Bloodied Vampire

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some [...]

A newer guy in Bar

A guy wanted a drink. So he ran into a bar. He fell over and suffered a concussion.

Ah Didna Ken There Wuz a Choice

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. “May I get you something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one. “Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than [...]

What is the difference between a bachelor and a ma

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Un individuo se encuentra con

Un individuo se encuentra con un amigo que no lo hab�a visto por mucho tiempo. Le dice el otro: “�C�mo establas que no te hab�a vigas, yo pens� que ya te hab�as muebles!” El otro, un tanto intimidado, le dice, “Aqu�, y tu?” “Reci�n regres� del extranjero donde termin� mis estudios.” “�Y qu� estudiaste?” “RIMAS” [...]

blondes

Q: What do yuo call two blondes in a bag? A:Twinkies

Q: How many London

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin’ mate !

No person shall be held to answer for a capital,…

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject [...]

So stupid 2

~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change back. ~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ~ under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.” ~ she [...]

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her [...]

Blonds and bunjie cords

what does a blond and a bunjie cord ahve in common……there both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead

Splitting Sides

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002 AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’. AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BADLY PACKED KEBAB A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia BEER COAT The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking [...]

The Top 16 Other Things McDonald’s Hasn’t Told You

16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat. 15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads. 14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers. 13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries. 12> Burgers that don’t sell after two days spend the rest of the [...]

Things you wouldn’t hear a southerner say

We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too [...]

Rejected by St Peter

Water into Wine A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” The minister says, “Just water.” The sheriff says, “Then [...]

A married couple was in a terrible accident…

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor [...]

Little Johnny and Sex Ed

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her 4th grade class because she realizes little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentinve throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, “I [...]