Archive for May, 2010

Blonde Joke Jackpot!

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the [...]

This is a funny one!

There is a one story house, the cieling is green, the funiture is red, the carpet is purple, the fridge is black, the sink is orange , and the counter is yellow. What is the color of the stairs? answer: there is no stairs its a one story house remember.

yore momma is so dum she wint to the 50 sents…

yore momma is so dum she wint to the 50 sents conserd and she brog a bag a penns wit her

Professional Test

Take the following test to see how qualified you are to be a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Open the door put the giraffe in and close the door. This tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into [...]

Dos tontilandeses van a robar

Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricach�n. Al llegar, ven un cartel de ‘Cuidado con el perro’. “V�monos, que aqu� hay perro”. “Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones”. Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parab�lica. Regresa, a�n m�s asustado, [...]

Disney Land

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said “Disney Land Left,” so the blonde turned back around and went home.

Men’s Underwear

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men?s briefs. “So when did you start wearing men?s underwear?” the first asked. “Ever since my husband found a strange pair under the bed.”

How Cold Is It?

40oF Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35oF Italian cars don’t start. 32oF Water freezes. 30oF You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. 25oF Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you. 20oF Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath. 15oF [...]

Lost Hunters

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.”Am I glad to see you,” he said, “I’ve been lost for three days.””Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied.”I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

Church Golf Balls

I was at my church auction a few weeks ago, when I passed a bucket of golf balls with the following note attached: “Have some balls and make a donation.”

C.I.A TEST

CIA Test Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, [...]

Not horny, but have

Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.Sally’s neighbour suggested to Sally that she “spice” up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of [...]

SONY BONO JOKES

After big tragedies the net often swims with humor about the people and event involved. Some people think this is a healing process, others find it in bad taste. WARNING: DO NOT READ If think you might be offended by Sonny Bono death jokes.======================================================What do Cher and a 50 year old Redwood have in common?They [...]

Gator Bite

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open [...]

Q: How many polite,

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Both of them.

Old age golf game

How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy. “Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” “But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” [...]

Celebrity Name Teases

Here are some possible married names: If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be [...]

Why is the word abbreviation

Why is the word abbreviation so long? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say “Open here”.What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”? Since Americans throw rice at [...]

Your daddy

Your daddys a theif he stole the stars from the sky & put them in your eyes. YOUR MAMAS A THEIF SHE STOLE THE TYRES OFF MY CAR & PUT THEM IN YOUR LIPS.

How Old Am I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you [...]

Airline

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It’s a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class. The steward who checks tickets says, “I’m so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.” “I can do What-eva I want, I’m a blonde.” Well I’ll get [...]

Chemistry song 05

Deck the LabsDeck the labs with rubber tubingFa la la la la, la la la la.Use your funnel and your filterFa la la la la, la la la la.Don we now our goggles and apronsFa la la la la, la la la la.Before we go to our lab stationsFa la la la la, la la [...]

Filthy Rich

Did you here about the posh school where all the pupils smelled? It was for filthy rich kids only.

What does a gay frog sound like?…

What does a gay frog sound like?”RUBIT”What does a japenese artist sound like when he sneezes?”HI-CUE”WHY do bald people put holes in there pockets?So they can rub there fingers through their hair”

Red neck

Q.what does the red neck say before he gets injured? A. hey watch this.