Archive for April, 2010

What did the blonde do when she got her period?

Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.

Californians to Screw in a Light Bulb

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: 0 they can’t afford electricity.

I’m thrilled

“I’m thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America � we can feed ourselves.” �George W. Bush, Stockton, Calif.

So Fat…

Your Momma’s so fat, the National Weather service had to label her body parts!

The elephant

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when [...]

Christmas Carols

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received: Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my [...]

Satisfy a women

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, [...]

I Will Love You Always

We’ve had our good times, we’ve had our bad. Sometimes you’ve made me happy, sometimes you made me mad. I know you’ve got your failing, you know I got mines. Neither of us is perfect, but it does no good to wine. Sometimes you forget my birthday, sometimes you’re not so cleaver. But all of [...]

The Top 18 Things on Saddam Hussein’s To-Do List

18> Announce that I’m finally ready to comply with those pesky U.N. resolutions. 17> Inform minister of information that yes, the United States has indeed captured the Baghdad airport. 16> Add “2003 World Hide ‘n’ Seek Silver Medal Winner” to resume. 15> Find out if Hallmark makes a “Sorry I Tortured and Slaughtered the Nation!” [...]

A Pair of Shoes

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani [...]

An American and Japanese

An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The American turned and asked the Japanese, “what kind of -ese are you?” The Japanese man answered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.” “What kind of -ese are you?� the American repeated. The Japanese was showing obvious confusion. Irritated, the [...]

What do blonds and s

The harder you bang them the looser they get

There is absolutely no substitute

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Paddy and Mike had just arrived in New York…

Paddy and Mike had just arrived in New York from Dublin and were walking around the city. Since they didn’t know about traffic signals they crossed the street at will and were almost hit several times. Finally, Officer Flaherty spots them and comes running up, yelling, “Are ye daft, crossin’ on the red?” “Pardon us, [...]

New Pastor

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote [...]

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?…

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Golf Bee Injury

The old golf pro was bored early on and had already been into the cooler in the pro shop, when suddenly a young lady ran in screaming, “I was stung by a bee!””Where,” the bleary-eyed pro asked?”Between the first and second holes,” replied the frantic young blonde.To which the tipsy pro replied, “I told you [...]

I’m Not Touching It

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help [...]

Blondes

These three women go into a clothing store, a blonde, a red, and a brunette. When they enter the clerk tells them that there is a magic mirror in the fitting and that if you lie you will disappear. The red women goes in and asks for 5,000, when she goes home her house is [...]

You might be a college student if . . .

13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

New pill

Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It’s a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches. Submitted by Curtis Edited by BreeBrown

Nursing Home Diet

A man went to the nursing home to visit his grandfather. “How are they treating you, grandfather?” he asked. “Fine!” came the reply, “The nurses here are really nice.” “How is the food?” “Good!” “Are you sleeping well, grandfather?” “Oh, yes I sleep nine hours a night. Every night they bring me a glass of [...]

Be nice to your kids

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

So much fun

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he also wanted video of his wife’s activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the [...]

Un hombre fue a ver

Un hombre fue a ver a su doctor para consultarlo sobre la falta de apetito sexual de su mujer. El doctor le dio una botella de p�ldoras y le dijo: “Antes de que su esposa de duerma, dele un vaso de leche con dos de estas p�ldoras y ver� c�mo se pone…” Esa noche, el [...]