Archive for March, 2010

I’d Love To But…

Next time you’re invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can’t attend: I’D LOVE TO BUT… … I don’t want to leave my comfort zone. … I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. … I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters. [...]

Tomato

Why did Mrs.Tomatoe turn red ? She saw Mr.Green Pea !

Alcoholic Side-Effect

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again [...]

Titanic

Your mama so fat she shunk the titanic

Blonde Mechanics

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully [...]

How to make a fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple [...]

Don’t eat with your mouth

Don’t eat with your mouth full.

Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one gets to the ground first? Answer: The brunette… the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his [...]

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.55. Tell your roommate that it’s your birthday–every day.

Airline A-Hole

During a busy Pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to [...]

Eatin Pizza

A man and his girlfriend were sitting in the backseat of his car, having some fun and things started to get hott and heavy. The man told the girl he wanted to finger her, but she said she was on her period and would be too embarrassed. It took some convincing, but finally she gave [...]

Motor Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

Captain’s Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and [...]

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him: (1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone else), a lady once told him, “Winston, if I was your wife, I would poison your tea.” Churchill replied, “And madame, if I was your [...]

Perfect shape

Guy’s wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.’s, and her hubby says, “Well, how did it go?” She tells him, “The doctor says I’m in perfect shape!” Husband says, “Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass?” She says, “Oh, we didn’t talk about you!”

3 guys die, a miss understanding

3 Guys wait in line to get into heave, as they await in front of the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks them all, “How did u die?” The first man said,”Well, you see, i came home early from work one day because I thought my wife might be cheating on me. So i came home [...]

Doctor’s Appointment

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few [...]

So how does bungie jumping resemble having…

So how does bungie jumping resemble having sex with a hooker? They both cost about a $100 They both last about the same amount of time. If the rubber breaks you’re dead!

Redneck Defined

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, shiftier?” You’re probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. You have to [...]

Knock Knock 149

Knock Knock Who’s there? Plums! Plums who? Plums me that we’ll always be friends! Knock Knock Who’s there? Police! Police who? Police open up the door! Knock Knock Who’s there? Possum! Possum who? Possum peace pipe! Knock Knock Who’s there? Prussia! Prussia who? Prussia cooker! Knock Knock Who’s there? Punch! Punch who? Not me – [...]

Help She’s Drowning!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I”ll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman [...]

Aussie kiss

What’s an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only down under! Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo

You might be a redneck if… reunion

The highlight of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut.

Top Ten Most Ironic Celeberty Deaths

10. Ellen DeGeneres: Suffocates in closet. 9. Susan Lucci: Trips and breaks her neck while running up the stairs to get an Emmy. 8. Jenny McCarthy: Struck by a random thought. 7. Frank Sinatra: Killed by strangers in the night. 6. RuPaul: Prostate Cancer. 5. O.J. Simpson: Killed by the “real killer” in an apperent [...]