Archive for January, 2010

An

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Skydiving

Why do girls have to where a cup when they skydive? So they dont whistle!

The First Stone

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people. “He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.” Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head. “Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!”

Funny Speach

This is an actual speech that a student gave to the entire student body for a friend to help him get elected to the student government association. “I know a man who is firm — he’s firm in his pants, he’s firm in his shirt, his character is firm. but most… of all his belief [...]

Murphy’s Law Corollary…

Murphy’s Law Corollary Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphy’s Law Corollary Mother nature is a bitch.

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton…

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?? An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.

Clinton and the Genie

Bill Clinton is walking around in the White House when he stumbles upon a very old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it. Within seconds, a genie pops out “I will grant you but one wish” the genie says. Clinton thinks it over, and says, “I wish for peace in the middle east.” “Where [...]

Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem:

Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

Climb

You know your in trouble when the tower say’s, “Climb like your life depends on it…because it does.”

Lost while hunting

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first man says to the other, ‘If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.’ After about three hours, the second man finds [...]

Corporate Lessons!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the [...]

Man, the Lawn Mower

Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Smitty the Parrot’s Birthday

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, “What do you want for your birthday?” Smitty says, “I want to get laid.” So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore. After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, [...]

Wash Hands after Going to the Bathroom

A marine and a sailor were taking a piss in a bathroom. The marine goes to leave without washing his hands. “In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands.” “In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands!”

Kid’s say the darndest things…

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: – The future of “I give” is “I take.” – The parts of speech are lungs and air. – The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. – A census [...]

Risk of plane bombs

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.”Hey, don’t worry, it’s just every 10000th flight that crashes.””1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!””Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It’s much more probable [...]

Fuzzy

what is pink and fuzzy?……pink fuz what is blue and fuzzy?……pink fuz holding its breathe!

Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.” “What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said. So Mary bought a playpen. A few days [...]

Slanted News

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to [...]

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.”

Laurie Kuslansky

Dogs `n Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the [...]

Knock Knock 156

Knock Knock Who’s there? Roxie! Roxie who? Roxie horrow picture show! Knock Knock Who’s there? Rufus! Rufus who? Rufus leaking and I’m getting wet! Knock Knock Who’s there? Russia! Russia who? Russia though you meal and you’ll be sick! Knock Knock Who’s there? Ruth! Ruth who? Ruth of the matter is! Knock Knock Who’s there? [...]

Your mammas beefy

your mammas ass is so big her crap over flowed the toilet without flushing it!!11

What’s the difference

What’s the difference between light and hard? You can’t go to bed with the light on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Like i care!