Archive for December, 2009

Pure Politics: To vote for Bush you must believe…

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with [...]

Marketing

The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is: – You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing. – You’re at a party with [...]

Tescos hitman

one english man discovered his wife was having an affair, overcome by rage he decided to kill her, so he went to a hitman named Artie, whom he met through a friend,Artie agreed to do the job for a pound (�1)so the gave his wifes description, short red hair, works in Tescos on till eight. [...]

A collision at sea can

A collision at sea can ruin your entire day.

George and Harry’s European Vacation

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all about it. “One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was really neat.” “Cool. Did [...]

Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish?…

Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish? – Because he could’t Ketchup.

Money

Q: There are four people in a room. Father Christmas, The Easter Bunny, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde. Also in the room there is a $100 note on a table. Who takes the money? A: The dumb blonde. The rest dont exist!

Dos compadres pasaban por un

Dos compadres pasaban por un callej�n y un tipo se les acerca con una jeringa dici�ndoles: “denme el dinero o les inyecto el SIDA”. Uno de los compadres empieza a darle el dinero, pero el otro se niega, retando al asaltante: “no; iny�ctame lo que quieras, pero a m� nadie me roba. “�Qu� hace, compadre?”, [...]

Pretty Dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the children’s sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” [...]

Title Dating Back to Its Origin

For those of you who have had to deal with governmental agencies, this will strike a familiar and then satisfying chord….. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. [...]

Row row row ur boat…my way

(the music of row ur boat) fuck fuck fuck a duck screw a kangaroo gang bang an orangatang orgy at the zoo **NiKkI ScoTt**

Following Doctor’s Orders

Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”

Frantic call

A frantic call was received by a user that his external computer equipment wasn’t working. The problem was quickly resolved when tech support asked how many cables were coming out from the piece of equipment. “One replied the caller” The power cord hadn’t been connected.

Flowers

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road. The brunette see’s her husband, and he is carrying flowers. The brunette says to the blonde “now I’m going to half to spread my legs!”, and the blonde says “why? don’t you have a vase?”

Invalid responses

A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ‘bad and invalid’. The tech explained that the computer’s ‘bad’ command and ‘invalid’ responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said “What a treasure!” and her father said “Yes, let’s go bury it.”

Sick of Her

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife. “Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?” “Well,” replies Fred, [...]

Faster than speed of light

whats faster than the speed of light yo mama chasin after a 5cent coin rolin down the hill

The Top 13 Taglines for Movies Featuring Unlikely Action Heroes

13> Anna Nicole Smith goes after ancient treasure as Emma Balmer in “Tomb Dater.” 12> See George Walker Bush as George Herbert Walker Bush in “Once Upon a Time in Iraq.” 11> William Shatner shows terrorists for the bald-faced liars they are as Frank Follicle in “Toupe Beverly Hills.” 10> Ben Kingsley’s done with passive [...]

Burns longer

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Get’em on their back and their both fucked.

Rolls

Why do fat people hate rolls? Because they see enough everday when they look in the mirror!

“I am dyslexic of Borg.

“I am dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.”

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says [...]

Drunk Irish

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ‘Why, of course,’ comes the reply.The first man then asks, ‘Where are you from?”I’m from Ireland,’ replies the second man.The first man responds by saying, ‘You don’t say. I’m from Ireland too. Let’s have [...]