Archive for November, 2009

Here I Sit Stroking…

Here I sit gently stroking thinking of all the pussy I could be poking.

How Macho Are You

Q: What’s the definition of a really macho woman?A: She jump starts her vibrator.Q: What’s the definition of a really macho man?A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron.

What’s the difference between government bonds…

What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

scope

A guy needed a new scope for his shotgun so he went to a shop and asked the guy if he could buy a scope the guy said yes we sell them so then the guy said this is the best scope he said you could see my house from here and the guy said [...]

That Must have Hurt!

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!” “I’ve been circumcised.” “What’s that mean?” “It means they cut the skin off the end.” “How old were you when it was cut off?” “My mom said I was two days old.” “Did [...]

There are two things I

There are two things I just can’t stand, racial prejudice and Negroes.

Rocket Scientists

Q: How many roket scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?A: If they’re smart enough, they’ll figure out how to size their number down to nine.

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, ‘You wanna screwdriver?’He says, “Hell, We might as well. I can’t get this freaking hubcap off.”

Yo mama so ugly…

Yo mama so ugly.Yo own daddy wont even look at her.

Show off:

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Una mujer que se encuentra

Una mujer que se encuentra en la cama con su amante, advierte que su esposo est� llegando y r�pidamente mete al gal�n bajo la cama. “Hola, amor ya llegu�”, saluda el marido. “Estoy cansada. Vamos a dormir”, dice la mujer, coloc�ndose en la parte de la cama que tiene un agujero en el colch�n. Aprovechando [...]

Women!

From 15 to 20, women are like Africa – Part virgin and part explored. From 21 to 35, women are like Asia- Hot and exotic. From 35 to 45, they are like the United States – Fully explored and free with their resources. From 45 to 55, they are like Europe – Exhausted, but still [...]

Redneck Birth Control… Cherry bomb

A man and a woman from Alabama don’t want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, “What state are you from? The man says “Alabama.” The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, [...]

Political metaphor

A politician was speaking at a particular function and as usual was making promises and more promises. He was being heckled by a member of the audience who kept asking, after each promise, “When? When?”.After a while the politician couldn’t take it anymore so he asked the man if he was a farmer. The man [...]

“he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss”

Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (first graders), and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small story about their fathers. so the teacher points to little katy and asks, “katy, what does your daddy work as?” and katy replies “my daddy’s an aircraft [...]

Entra un mero macho mexicano

Entra un mero macho mexicano a un bar y le ordena al barman: “�CANTINERO, SIRVEME UN TEQUILA!” Despu�s del trago se voltea y le dice a todos los que estaban en el bar: �ME CAGO EN TODOS USTEDES, MENOS EN EL ENANO ESTE QUE EST� AQU�!” El enano se sorprende y no dice nada. El [...]

Why did a white girl

why did the white girl do a mexican…..the teacher told her to do an essay

Fat

Your Momma is so fat when I got in my car to drive around her i ran out of gas

Eclipse

There was a fantastic and very long total eclipse of the moon last night, best seen in Melbourne and the longest period of totality for the next thousand years. The sky was clear and dry, the weather freezing cold, the stars bright enough to burn, as I watched the brilliant full moon gradually being consumed [...]

Hyphenated Yellow Page Words

In a recent readers’ contest, The Washington Post asked contestants to take any hyphenated heading at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a definition for the compound word they formed. Some of our favorite entries: Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. “Seeing ads [...]

If it wasn’t for Newton, we wouldn’t have…

If it wasn’t for Newton, we wouldn’t have to eat bruised apples.

Classes For Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The [...]

I have run out of

I have run out of sick leave, so I’m calling in dead.

First, or maybe second, aid

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he [...]

Marketing translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until [...]