Archive for October, 2009

Old Man Hot Mama

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur. The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you [...]

Jokes of science 01

At the physics exam: ‘Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.’ Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The ‘wave’.The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.A student recognizes Einstein in a [...]

Funny jokes

yo mama so dumb she locked herself in da toilet and shit her pants

Reality Check

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?” “Oh,” replies [...]

Fun to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

Final exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass [...]

How does the guy who

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Since Americans throw rice at

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Transplant

two guys in a bar talking when one says “im really unhappy about being bald” the other says “why dont you have a transplant” he replies “dont be stupid id look even worse with a liver on my head”

A poem by paul McCartney

Poem by Paul McCartney. We lay upon the grassy bank,my hands were all a quiver, i slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

You’re a redneck … the most serious loss

You’re a redneck if…. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

If this company ran Christmas…

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

Will you marry me?

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any [...]

Question and answer blonde joke

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?A: There is a stamp on it.

Hunchback

HUNCHBACK’S WIFE: I’m getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor. DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops) HUNCHBACK: I don’t like getting undressed. DOCTOR: If you want [...]

Yo momma so fat…

Yo momma so fat, when she puts on a yellow shirt, the sun gets jealous!

Mutilated X-Mas Carols

(To the tune of Deck The Halls) See that drag queen his name’s Molly. Fa La La La La La La La La For 50 bucks he’ll make you jolly. Fa La La La La La La La La See him in his gay apparel. Fa La La La La La La La La You [...]

Young woman in a White House closet

Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? Warren G. Harding

The Top 13 International Ways to Leave Your Lover

13> Kick her in the rear, Vladamir. 12> Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel. 11> Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar. 10> Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre. 9> Put on her underpants, Hans. 8> Blow up her car, Moammar. 7> Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros. 6> Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao [...]

david Beckham

What does David Beckham and a box of forever rosse have in common? They both cum in a posh box.

Dr. Seuss

What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the [...]

Convert

Two Jews are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic Church with a sign out front that says “Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert!” They argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is going to go in and give it a try. He steps in the church while his friend [...]

Fat wife

a naked woman was getting ready for bed when she looked at herself in the mirror and said to her husband my bum looks fat and i look ugly will you pay me a compliment the husband replies well your eye sight is perfect.

Bloopers – Part 5

More gems paraphrased from Kermit Schafer’s delightful book “Blunderful World of Bloopers.” _________________________________________________________________ Heaven or the other: Visitor to London – I find the city truly incredible, especially Westminster Abbey. I thought I was in Heaven until I turned and saw my wife beside me. Go for it: I a comedy skit, the actress playing [...]

7 Shots of Vodka!

Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.” The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.” The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and [...]