Archive for September, 2009

Violin joke

Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek?A: Because no one will look for them.

Llega Isaac muy preocupado a

Llega Isaac muy preocupado a hablar con su padre: “�Oh, badre Abraham, yo estoy muy breocupados borque haberme llegados un requerimientos de la oficina de recaudaci�n de impuestos y no se c�mo bresentarme.” “Contin�a Isaac…” “Fui a bedir consejos a mi hermano Jakob y �l haber dichos: T� hermano… ll�vate tu mejor trajes, el rolex [...]

Dwarf Nuns

The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. “Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?” “No, Dopey,” responds the Pontiff, “there are not.” “Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?” Dopey asked. [...]

Two Canadian Seasons

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Mexican Fisherman Li

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, [...]

Congratulations

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a [...]

3 Birds Get Lucky

Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!” The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He [...]

Grandmas Dead

“Do you believe in life after death?”, the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir”, the employee replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine.”The boss went on,”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,she stopped in to see you”.

Creative Writing Class

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: – religion – royalty – sex – mystery The prize-winning essay read: “My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

Drowning

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down [...]

Bananas

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists. Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas. [...]

Apologetic Spouse

Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come? Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

Sexual Position

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.”I [...]

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?” “Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.” The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?” “No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out [...]

How to be Obnoxious in Jr. High…

1)In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ”I’m on fire!” Roll around vigorously. 2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible. 3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night. 4) Talk in a strong English accent. 5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, [...]

Exterminating Lawyer

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he’d had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would [...]

Funny Limo Driver

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings. The cardiologist [...]

The General’s Temperature

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his [...]

Larry’s mother-in-law

Larry’s mother-in-law had died, and Larry was at the mortuary to make plans for her disposition. The official asked, “Which should we do…cremate her, embalm her, or merely bury her?” Larry answered, “All three. Let’s not take any chances!”

Oh Human Sexuality

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

Expensive Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this [...]

We have enough youth – how about a fountain…

We have enough youth – how about a fountain of smart?

Someone really stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s [...]

Things Not to Say to Women

Here are some things better left unsaid when you are arguing with your wife/girlfriend. Don’t you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You’re just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute – I get it. What time of the [...]