Archive for August, 2009

Valentine's Winn

Valentine’s Cards Guaranteed to Work=======We’ve a date tonight, oh, Valentine! I hope I can stay calm! ‘Cause recently, I’ve only dated the lovely Mrs. Palm.=======Time to choose your Valentine! If I don’t seem up to snuff, another case of Ballantine and I’ll look good enough.=======All around the cobbler’s bench, I’ll chase you like a diesel. [...]

Yo mama has

Yo mama has a short arm and can’t applaude.

Out of gas

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Mum says, ‘No, because the dog is in heat.’ ‘What’s that mean?’ asks the child. ‘Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage’. The little girl goes to the garage and says. ‘Dad, can I [...]

You’re a redneck … you have to go

You’re a redneck if…. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

Windows 95

A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition.

Do not walk behind me

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. it�s always darkest [...]

Knock KnockWho’s there?Albee!Albee!Albee a monkey’s

Knock KnockWho’s there?Albee!Albee!Albee a monkey’s uncle!

Car Thief

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.”Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.””Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your aquittal. [...]

New Teacher

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.” After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?” “No, ma’am,” he says, “but I hate to see you standing there all [...]

What do you call a

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep? A pimp

Dead Wife?

How can you tell if your wife is dead? Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

Devil and lawyer

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will [...]

Religious truths

Remember, there are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

Home work

the teacher asked the boy if she could have his home work the boy said i made it in to a paper plane and it got higacked

“Thanks for the refill!”

Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A. “Thanks for the refill!”

Turnaround is fair play!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now [...]

Est�n Pepito y una ni�a

Est�n Pepito y una ni�a jugando juntos. Pepito le pregunta a su amiguita con aire de suficiencia: “�Sabes c�mo se hacen los ni�os?” “No, no lo s�”. “Pues, mira, el pap� pone la semillita en la vagina de la mam�”. “�Y luego?” “Luego la empuja con el pene”.

We’re Rangers!

True story: A friend’s mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently, “Gee, [...]

How often?

The South Carolina couple planned to get married and went to the doctor for their blood test. The M.D. then tried to explain to them about sex. The boy just listened with a dumb expression on his face. So the doctor took his fiancee over to the examination table, had her lie down and then [...]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,…

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Pigeon in the Sky

Little pigeon in the sky, Dropping things from way up high. Angry farmer wipes his eye, Very glad that cows don’t fly.

Caring Widow

George, Bob and Fred are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, George falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with George’s body, Bob and Fred realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two [...]

Sheep

What is the matter with sheep? Bleats me.

I didn’t feel a thing

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel [...]

I’ve found it

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn’t there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn’t there, but you keep shouting “I’ve found it! [...]