Archive for July, 2009

Did Noah keep his bees

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Translations Gone Bad

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs became somewhat lost in the English translation. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing [...]

Phone rings; little boy answers.

Salesman says ‘Can I speak to your father?’. Little boy whispers ‘He’s busy.’ ‘What is he doing?’ ‘Talking to the firemen.’ Okay, can I speak to your mother?’ Little boy whispers ‘She’s busy ‘What is she doing?’ ‘Talking to the policemen.’ Salesman says ‘Let me get this straight there is no adult I can speak [...]

The latest rumor

“The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a ‘safe haven’ for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy [...]

The skeleton

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts!

Mickey & Minney

The judge said to Mickey “I can not grant you a divorice from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy” and Mickey said “I didnt say she was crazy, i said she was fuckin’ Goofy!

New Sneakers

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.”What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s [...]

The Industrialist Whore

Man 1: I just met a whore who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip. Man 2: Why did she do that? Man 1: She wanted to make a little extra money on the side.

Lonely jew in catholic school

one day there was a jewish boy who failed in math.His parents decided to send him to all the great private schools but nothing worked.So his parents sent him to catholic school.All of a sudden his math grades improved to straight A’s.His parents asked him what inspired you to do so well in math.The boy [...]

Gay guys

3 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a condom starts floating on the water. the first gay guy asks “who farted?”

A Blonde In School

once there was a blonde at school and she was in math class and the teacher asked her a question bridgette what is 2+2.She just sat there for a while. um she said i think it is 7. all the kids looked at her. the teacher said no that is wrong. um she said 2. [...]

You fish in your above-ground

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

“Starr I Are”

A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss I’m here to ask As you’ll soon see – Did you grope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her In your house? Did you grope Beneath her blouse? I did not do that Here or there– I did not do that Anywhere! I did not do that Near or [...]

Q: How many bluegrass

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?A: Two – one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.

Knock KnockWho’s there?Dawn!Dawn who?Dawn leave

Knock KnockWho’s there?Dawn!Dawn who?Dawn leave me out here in the cold!

50 actual newspaper headings

(collected by actual journalists) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head [...]

Man in pub

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck, and he asks for a pint. The bartender says ok. Then the man asks whose in the lounge. And the bartender says 15 people playing darts. So the man says get them a pint too. Then he asks whose upstairs and the [...]

Un ni�o est� resoviendo un

Un ni�o est� resoviendo un crucigrama y le pregunta al padre: “��rgano sexual femenino de cuatro letras?” El padre se queda pensando: “�Verticales u horizontales?” “Horizontales”. El tipo se queda de nuevo pensando y exclama: “Est� claro… �La boca!”

In the shower

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.” The salesman said, ”Well, can I see him please?” Johnny snickered and said, ”No, he is in the shower.” Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.”The salesman [...]

Pain in the neck

Why didn’t they invite the giraffe to the party? He was a pain in the neck.

Confusing Day in Harlem

What’s the most confusing day in Harlem? Father’s Day.

God’s Sex Scandal

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.Sources close to Mary [...]

Stop!!

What did the stop-light say to the car? Don’t look I’m changing.

Micsellaneous

Your mama is so dumb, she thought taco bell was a mexican phone company.

Cierta vez llega Tarz�n a

Cierta vez llega Tarz�n a Cuba y es presentado al Comandante Fidel y le dice: “�Hola, yo Tarz�n!” Responde Fidel: “�Hola, yo Castro!” Responde Tarz�n: “�Adi�s!”