Archive for May, 2009

My young son asked me

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.

A young, ruthless executive died and went…

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, “What [...]

Little Johnny in School

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just [...]

Rhoids

“How are your hemorrhoids?” “Swell.”

Q. What do you call two skunks having a…

Q. What do you call two skunks having a 69? A. Odor Eaters

Milking The Cows

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and [...]

Q: How many nihilists

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?A: There is nothing to change.

The Top 12 Things Overheard in the Year 2999

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] 12> “Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately… one… thousand… years….” 11> “Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3.” 10> “Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may [...]

Tasks for easy Cash

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, “How much money is in there?” The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, “26,000,000..” The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, “So [...]

So Dry

Your mama’s pussy so dry even the crabs carry a canteen.

Bar joke

what do you call a full beer bottel of beer a full glass of beer

The new warden

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the [...]

Intern Application Form

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We expect this year will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be [...]

Catholic Moms

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’. The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.” The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My [...]

Helicopter Crash

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard: Tower: “Sir, [...]

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR D

15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.” 14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.” 13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper” 12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement [...]

The Restroom

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes overimmediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that heshould bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gentlycaress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.”Are [...]

Bear & Rabbit

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,”Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbits says,”No…” So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Granny and her grandchild…

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes. The next day [...]

House keeping

One day a husband was a little concerned with the spending of the house keeping money. He said to is wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?” She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!” Submitted by Curtis

I can do without the

I can do without the essentials, but I must have my luxuries. -Ashleigh Brilliant

The egg

Why was the egg embarrased? Because his yolk was hanging out.

Women with Arms

Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Top 10 Ways Mess with Customs

Keep in your possession as you pass thru Customs: 10. A genuine hangman’s noose. 9. Large amounts of Monopoly money. 8. Realistic drawings of Margaret Thatcher, in the nude. (Change as appropriate, depending on the country you visit). 7. Several pounds of white flour in sachets placed inside your shoes. (Claim that it is flour, [...]

Chicago

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?” Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as [...]