Archive for April, 2009

The Top 15 Things We Miss the Most About High School

15> Driving a ’77 Toyota was cool in 1977. Today? Not so cool.14> The senior prom: Powder blue tux, white patent leather shoes and Mom’s Pontiac. If only I’d had a date.13> Failing the GED a third time was still almost a decade away.12> Scamming beer from that idiot clerk at the convenience store — [...]

Flying high

Airline employees’ entertaining little quips – all real: ‘Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.’ Pilot: ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you [...]

Don't go hungry

Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The [...]

Honey I'm home

Three words women hate to hear when having sex “Honey, I’m home!”

Hindsight shows you how a

Hindsight shows you how a mistake looks from the rear.

Q: How many Alaskan

Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Oh, none … they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]

Why does Monica Lewinsky have

Why does Monica Lewinsky have chubby cheeks? She’s withholding evidence!

Stethoscope

A doctor was in the car with her 4-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the girl picked up her mother’s stethoscope, which had been on the seat of the car. The mother thought, “Oh, how sweet, she wants to be just like me!” Then the little girl spoke into the instrument, saying, “Welcome to [...]

Warm satisfaction

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?A tea bag.

Hot In Here

Ther was 3 men an English Man an Irish Man and a Scottish man and they was all in the desert and they found a lamp the geni said you can have 1 wish each before you die so the Irish Man wished for a pint of Guiness the scottish man wish for bag-pipes and [...]

Lesbian

Q: What do you call a lesbian with a long tongue? A: Well Hung!!

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and [...]

Does your gun rack have a gun rack on it?

You know your a redneck if your gunrack has a gunrack on it.

President Gorbachev

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common? A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday. Q2: What’s the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev? A: He knows who the ten men were.

Depressed in bar

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”. The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for [...]

Prison Bus Conversation

There men were on a bus to prison where they were allowed to bring only one personal item. They were telling each other what they brought. The first man, being intellectually minded, said, “I wanted to bring something that could actually have a variety of purposes. It needed to be something that I could not [...]

The headlines

A pair of biologists is studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the [...]

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Marines last request

News anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting [...]

Tackle box

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, “I need a vacation. I’m too stressed out. I think I’ll go fishing for the weekend.” “Okay,” she says. “I’ll pack for you.” So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, “Wow, I feel [...]

Imported from Bosnia

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone [...]

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Lonely Frog

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! “Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks. “No,” says the [...]

Be “very quiet”.

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says “oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!” He leads the man down [...]

No Refills

A distraught patient phoned her docter, “Is it true that I have to take these pills for the rest of my life?” “I’m afraid so,” said the doctor. There was a moment of silence. The woman started up again, “Well, how serious is my illness? This prescription says NO REFILLS.”