Archive for March, 2009

The perfect pickup line

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, “Are you waiting for [...]

Confucious say

confucious say…….. …….. crowded elavator smell different to midget ……. man who fart in church sit in his onw pew

Lunch at the ranch

At his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. I think Bush got a little confused he thought he was having lunch with Paula Abdul.

Cubano

What is the Cuban national anthem? ”Row Your Boat!”

Help me…I’m hooked!

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such? For those of us folks who chat on line too much? If there was a group, I would like it just fine, Except that it prob’bly would be here online! Are there therapists here? I think I saw some. Its got me, its got me, its [...]

yo mama

yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

Una noche, antes de acostarse,

Una noche, antes de acostarse, le dice una vieja a su marido: “Mi amor, hoy quiero que hagamos el amor en el piso”. “��En el piso?! Pero, mi amor, �y esa fantas�a de donde te sali�?” “Viejo, es que hoy quiero sentir algo duro”.

Serious Relationship

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.””No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend [...]

Betcha $500.00!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?” “Not a thing,” the man [...]

A GUT-WRENCHING FART

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She [...]

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running…

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President. He thought they said the “Oral” Office.

Knock Knock 21

Knock Knock Who’s there? Bach! Bach who? Bach of sweets! Knock Knock Who’s there? Bacon! Bacon who? Bacon a cake for your birthday! Knock Knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock Knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Yo mama is so old…

yo mama is so old, she farts out dust

Moleasses

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, �Mmmmm, I smell sausage.� The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said �Mmmmmm, [...]

Dead Rabbit

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to [...]

Yes

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? “What part of ‘yes’ don’t you understand?” Submitted by Curtis Edited by Yisman

Fallen Bridge

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn’t get back. He yelled in response, “Wait until dark, and I will shine my [...]

Blonde Bar Joke

Why did the blond take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.

New Virgin

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid [...]

Perhaps your whole purpose in

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.”The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,” recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was [...]

Knock KnockWho’s there?Holland!Holland who?Holland you

Knock KnockWho’s there?Holland!Holland who?Holland you going to make me wait out here!

Can’t say no

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other, “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?” “Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “Fire away.” “Well,” said the first guy, “Why do you think all the guys around here find my [...]

How Many cookies?

There were 2 blondes walking in the woods. One of them had a bag. So the one with the bag said to the other girl,”If you can guess how many cookies are in my bag I’ll give you both of them!”” “

Three mistresses

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit. The first girl comes back [...]