Archive for February, 2009

generous drinker

a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i don’t have any money today, I’ll have to pay you later. the bartender [...]

$3.99 a minute.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute.

Decision

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, “I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.” [...]

Bar Room Translations

1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.) 2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. “Hey, where is that [...]

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bitch?

A blonde will screw anyone, a bitch will screw anyone but you.

Long Life

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Two blondes were walking down the street when…

Two blondes were walking down the street when they saw a compact laying on the sidewalk. One blonde picked it up and looked in the mirror inside and said “Wow! This person looks familiar.” The other blonde grabbed the compact and took a look and said “You dummy, that’s me.”

Stork brings babies

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?Mother: A swallow!

The Little Dumb Mother

One day a boy came home from school,and started his homework(hes in 2nd grade).”one plus one that son of a bitch is two,two plus two that son of a bitch is four”the boy said.The mother was worried,but stupidly se thought that it would go away………The next day the boy came home from school and said [...]

Alligator in Bar

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He [...]

The biggest fashion risk you

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

New Jersey Landfills vs. California Lawyers

Why does New Jersey have more landfills, and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first pick.

Fart Euphemisms

Gravy Pants Firing Scud Missiles Turd Honking Mud Duck Panty Burps Pant Stainers Cut the Cheese Trouser Cough K-Fart Crack Splitters Turd Tooties Anal Audio Great Brown Cloud Exercising the meat nozzle

Difference between bush’s tie and horse’s tail

What is the difference between bush’s tie and horse’s tail ? horse’s tail covers the whole asshole.

Dating hints for men

I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

Long Dicks

Three guys are on top of the Empire State Building and they are bragging about how big their dicks are. They finally decide to compare them by dangling them off the roof. The first guy pulls his dong out and hangs it over the side and it dangles down to the 20th floor. The second [...]

What do you call a

What do you call a barn full of negros? Antique farm equipment.

Your so poor

Your so poor one day i saw you kicking a can anmd when i asked you what you were doing and you told me you were moving! Your so poor i stepped on a cockroach and your mom yelled you damn b**** that was our dinner! You so poor I blew out your match and [...]

Pack for Fishing Trip

A man called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and told her to pack his bags for a fishing trip. He told her that he and some guys from work were going fishing for the weekend. “Pack some clothes, get out my fishing poles and tackle box, and don’t forget my blue silk pajamas,” [...]

Gayness

your so gay you cant tell if your striaght our bi

A quote on marriage

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

The Irish attempt on Mount

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

You’re Da Man

Man is the king of his castle. A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches. Still think you’re a man?

Rules for Cats

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run 1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. 2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. [...]

In the Whitehouse

There was a rumor leaked to the Press today. There is a “UNIBANGER” on the loose in the White House.