Archive for January, 2009

Tally Wakers

Remember back in WWII we used to call all the soldiers G.I. ‘s. Well now we go against the Taliban so we call our american soldiers Tally Wackers.

Insurance Policy

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value [...]

Yo mamas so fat

your mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said who threw the rock

A Giant Problem

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didn’t?! It’s all over town!

What

A man comes up to a woman and says”Do you want to go do it?” The woman says”Do what?” The man says”Go jump off a brige!

You are so ………………….

you are so ugly even youre slutty mother rejects u

Twas the Night Before Chrismas…

‘Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version ‘Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow, Not a creature was stirrin’, (I had a gun unda my pillow.) When up on da roof’ I heard somethin’ pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, ”Ay! Keep it down!” When what to my Wanderin’ eyes [...]

Off the Toilet wall

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.- Women’s toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.- Women’s toilet, Champaign, Illinois.Beauty is only a light switch away.- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.I’ve decided that to raise [...]

Rectal Thermometer

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist [...]

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there? A. Three…the rest are all true.

Car Door,

There was Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it. So one day the Hawaiian guy complained, “It’s hot!” The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door and [...]

You might be a republican if…

You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”

Lost For An Answer

“Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?” the suspicious wife sneered. “No, I can’t.” the husband replied. “I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.”

Things to do at a Fast Food Drive Thru

1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside. 2. Drive through backwards. 3. Belch your order. 4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises [...]

Young man and duck

For a boy’s 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, “Go into town and see what you can get with this.” The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find. He first ran into a hooker who offered, “I’ll have sex with you if you give me the [...]

Women on the moon

Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet? It doesn’t need cleaning.

Old Golfer

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.”Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.””But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?””But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.”But he’s [...]

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President…

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister [...]

Vegtables

Whats the worst part about eating vegtables? Putting them back in their wheel chair

El profesor repartiendo las notas:

El profesor repartiendo las notas: “Luisito un diez. Pedrito un ocho. Juanito un seis. Jaimito un cero.” “Oiga profe. �Y por qu� a m� un cero?” “Por que te has copiado el examen de Pedrito.” “�Y usted como lo sabe?” “Porque las cuatro primeras preguntas est�n iguales, en la �ltima pregunta Pedrito respondi� ESA NO [...]

Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?” His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. [...]

NEWEST FAT JOKES

This one time, i was in the back of a bus, and all of a sudden a big red chimp came and hit me in the sac. I was very angry. Another time i got this candy bar for a quarter and this quarter was from the year 2009 and so far that year is [...]

Q. How can you tell when dogs are kinky?…

Q. How can you tell when dogs are kinky? A. They start doing it in the missionary position.

Misplaced hand

I often get into trouble because I misplace things. Like the last time I was in a bar, I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl’s knee.

Un se�or se dirige al

Un se�or se dirige al mostrador de la farmacia y dice: “�Se�orita!, �me da un paquete de condones?” “�Claro que s�!, �para soltero o para casado?” “No entiendo. �Cu�l es la diferencia?” “Los de soltero vienen en paquetes de 7 y los de casado en paquetes de 12.” “Menos le entiendo.” “Mire, los de soltero [...]