Archive for November, 2008

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Pick Up Line For Closing Time

Hello Lips,Tits and Ass!

Top 10 Titles for Dubya’s Biography

10.My Life,Emptier Than the Beer Cans at the Bottom of My Car 9. My Life in a 10oz Bag 8. The Things I’ve Done has President in a Couple of Lines 7. Waking Up in my Own Vomit 6. I Hate my wife more than Bin Laden plus 10 reasons why 5. I Got’s a [...]

Movie Review: Supernova

Editor’s Note: Although this is not a joke, it’s still funny as hell and I couldn’t resist posting it. It’s a review of Supernova from the Self-Made Critic at www.brunching.com, pretty much proving what I thought would be true (hope it’s not too late for any of you)…———-In the name of all that is Holy, [...]

God’s Children

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you, Honey.””And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues.”Yes, Sweetheart, he did.””And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?” “Yes, Honey, all [...]

Hellman mayonnaise

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The [...]

Fruit

whats yellow and grows on apple trees? A stupid bananna

Annoying Questions

Here’s what I don’t get: When you can’t find something, someone says to you, “Where did you last have it?” Well duh! If I knew where I last had it I would have found it by now! And you actually think that I keep track of everywhere I go with something? “Are you going to [...]

Top 10 Reasons to Know You’re a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. 2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. 3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. 4. You’ve never thrown away [...]

The Plus Sign

There was a little boy and he was failing math. He had never had a good grade in it and on his last report card he had an F so his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school. The first day he came on walked through the kitchen got a class of water [...]

Fallen From Grace

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would [...]

Yo mama so stupid…

Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

Palm Beach Trip

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun [...]

French Impressionist painting.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She’s very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Clinton one-liner

I’ve heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say “Hillbilly”… Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.

Roaches

How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know. When the light goes on they all scatter.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?…

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Voice Command Radio

A young woman purchases her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and is having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. “Miss,” the salesperson said, “this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons [...]

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?…

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Because they don’t have any balls to rub.

Getting On The Bus

Ted and his wife where waiting at the bus stop with Harry, his spouse and Harry’s nine children. At last the bus drew up, packed with poeple. The two women, and the nine children managed to get on. but the men where left behind and had to walk. After trotting along the road for an [...]

If nothing beats a Bud,

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I’d take the nothing…

Telegram

A blonde sends her sister to pick up a bull. She picks up the bull but now has no way to get home.So she goes to the post office to send out a telegram. cashier: can i help you Sister: yes, um.. how many words can i send with this much money? cashier: one word. [...]

An error publishing an article

From Reuters News Service:Canada’s Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when [...]

Yo generation

yo family so ugly they look like they played on the house of the dead.

Blind deer jokes

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.