Archive for October, 2008

Three Quick Bar Jokes

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn’t long before he was arrested for rustling. A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining “The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere.”

Kind Eye?

A man is convicted of murdering a woman. The man then goes to a lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. “Five hundred dollars!” “Five Hundred dollars? I don’t have that much money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?” “Well,” says the lawyer, “I have one glass eye. [...]

IQ Test

1. How long did The Hundred Years’ War last? 2. Which country makes Panama hats? 3. From what animal do we get catgut? 4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5. What is Camel’s hairbrush made from? 6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? 7. What was [...]

Advice to northerner

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the [...]

Pizza Delivery Man

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common? A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

finger paint

Q: What do lesbians do on their period? A: Finger Paint

A few lil’ insults to remember.

You’re momma so fat, she be sellin’ shade! You’re momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure! You’re momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles! You’re momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers! You’re momma so poor, her idea of [...]

Must help the wife

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith [...]

Tyson Excuses!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear: 10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off” 9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” 8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious! 6. Has to do this [...]

Don’t let your mouth write

Don’t let your mouth write no check that your tail can’t cash. – Bo Diddley

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear [...]

It is easier to take

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

Como todas las cosas, tambi�n

Como todas las cosas, tambi�n los refranes mexicanos cambian con el tiempo: Ladr�n que roba a ladr�n… vive en el Distrito Federal. La suerte de la fea… a la bonita le vale madre. Mucho antes cae un hablador… si es cojo. M�s vale prevenir… que amamantar. Sale m�s caro el caldo… si lleva alb�ndigas. Palo [...]

More than a Haircut

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” [...]

New Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, [...]

Top 13 New Star Wars Movies

13. Star Wars I: “Star Trek, the Next Generation” kisses our Jedi ass. 12. Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt 11. Springtime for Vader 10. Episode I: Mr. Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat 9. Obi Wan, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan, Obi Wan. 8. Your turn, Steven. 7. The Toys-R-Us Christmas ’99 Catalog [...]

Just Too Stupid

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:”Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?””Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.””What sort of trouble?””Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.””Went away?””They disappeared.””Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?””Nothing.””Nothing?””It’s blank; it won’t [...]

What kind

fukin mother fuker

Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ. When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked “where’s Dorothy?”

Cold Day in Hell

“Actual question given for a mid-term chemistry exam at the University of Washington:” Is Hell exothermic (radiates heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. [...]

Race Car

Your mama is like a race car she burn fifty rubbers a day.

What was yesterday’s Washington Post

What was yesterday’s Washington Post headline? Bush finally defeats Clinton.

Jurassic Park

What’s the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park? One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.

Blonde Doctor?

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now.

No Jello

Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello? A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.