Archive for August, 2008

Kiss Me The Way You Used To

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, “Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.” He did. “Now kiss me the way you used to…” “Now darling, bite me the way you used to.” At this point the husband got out of bed and [...]

Hear about the ninja that

Hear about the ninja that joined the army?… .. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…

The Professor’s Brain

During one of a professer’s routine classes, he decided to raise a controversial subject: He stood in front of his class and said: “Can anyone hear God? Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?” After a long pause, the professor concluded: “Because none of you can hear, see, or smell God, I conclude that [...]

High tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, [...]

Staff reductions

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. [...]

London Transport

public transport are putting fairs up ie: tube fairs are going up an arm and a leg and london bus fairs are going thru the roof!!

Bill Gates In Purgatory

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that [...]

Reporter

Reporter from Ohio heard about a church in eastern Kentucky that people there held rattle snakes as a profession of faith. So he decided to check it out. he went the following Sunday to the church and took his seat in the back row. Just then the pastor came out with the 6 foot long [...]

The Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. “How was work, dear?” his wife asks. “Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts. “Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely. “Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! [...]

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest…

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day [...]

Stick shift

“Darling,” a husband whispered to his wife late one night, “if I died, would you get married again?” “I suppose so,” she replied. “Would you sleep in the same bed with him?” “Well, it’s the only bed in the house, so I have no choice.” “Would you make love to him?” “Honey,” the woman said [...]

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go. [...]

Marriage Ups and Downs

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How? The toilet seat is up and the hubby’s sex interest is down.

The Blonde

Blonde,redhead,and a browhead boys all went up to a resturant the redhead went in and picked up a 5$ bill that was on a table then he heard a voice”I’m the ghost of Fable Able and that 5$ bill belongs on the table”” so he ran out and told the brownhead.So the brownhead went in [...]

Arkansas Vasectomy

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told [...]

Eating with children.

Eating with Children A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his [...]

Yo mama so poor…

Yo moma so poor she told your little borther that Santa was dead.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?A: They’ve been having turkey for years.

Casino Player

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude.” With that she takes off everything but her [...]

Things To Do to kill time

Find a cure for AID’s, tell no one. Build a giant eraser by scraping pencil erasers into a shoe box. count all of the hairs on your body. calcutate the amount of inches from where you are to the moon, once finished, do the same for every planet in the solar system. construct the statue [...]

You might be a Republican if…

You’re afraid of the liberal media.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?

A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Anything you say…

When Johnny got arrested, they told him, “Anything you say will be held against you.” Johnny said, “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.” Submitted by Curtis Edited by Glaci

Roses?

The Lone Ranger wanted to know that – why with all these horses and horse-shit – do you never see a rose in my films?