Archive for June, 2008

Do What With Sheep

Somewhere over Australia… The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. “I’m afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump.” advises the pilot. The co-pilots [...]

Box Of Condoms

A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend. The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.The blonde says “I thought they were only a dollar.”The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the tax.The blonde gets all wide eyed and says “Oh, is [...]

I went out with this

I went out with this girl who was so black, when she got out of the car, the oil light came on.

I never forget a face

I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Say After Sex

Q: What do blondes say after sex? A1: “Thanks, Guys!” A2: “Are you boys all in the same band?” A3: Do you guys all play for the same team? A4: Who were all those guys?

Stuttering Cat

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only human stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says. “Please explain, Johnny!”, replies the teacher. “Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with [...]

Change machine

I came up with a great way to never lose money when I go to Las Vegas… I keep playing the change machine!

Letter from College

Dear Mom and Dad: It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you are sitting down … OK? Good. [...]

Momma is so skinny

Your momma is so skinny she uses a fruit loop as a hula hoop

World’s Worst Pick-up Lines…

World’s Worst Pick-up Lines… I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good. Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be. Can I buy you a drink, or do you [...]

By the Lantern Light

The crofter’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought [...]

Ants

A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “Fucking ants,” with each smash. The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. “What are you doing!?!?!” the priest shouts at the [...]

Life in the old dog yet?

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails [...]

4 Docs and GW Bush!

4 Doctors were talking shop one day… An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.” A German doctor said “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of [...]

Red, Yellow, and Green!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The [...]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in [...]

Washing the Dog!

Washing The Dog A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to [...]

Silly French Humor

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.The English cat is called “One two three”, the French cat is called “Un deux trois”.Which cat wins…?The English cat.Why…?Because Un deux trois cat sank�

My Stocks Are Up

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move,” said the broker, “and it’s only $1 a share.” “Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give [...]

Travel with a horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer [...]

You’re Getting Old When…

You’re getting old when… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!” You’re getting old when… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. You’re getting old when… A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. You’re [...]

Inflatable Pants

A very dumb blonde was having trouble keeping her jaw shut..So she decided to stick a popsicle in her mouth so no one would notice…When men started to watch her the blonde took out the popsicle and said “Cool, infaltable pants!”

Car in Heaven

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car [...]

Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…

Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

Clitoris Like Mellon

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on “The Variation of the Clitoris”. “One of the most unusual cases I ever came across,” he told his audience, “was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.” Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have [...]