Archive for May, 2008

The Troubled Church

What did the peaple say when they saw a church burning? Holy Smoke!

Satan Claus

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.”

Link Rot…

Link Rot (noun) The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change location or die.

You’re a wanker

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.Chris: ‘I reckon he’s an accountant. ‘ James: �No way – he’s a stockbroker. ‘ Chris: [...]

In The Offering

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and [...]

Untitled joke

How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

Plane Ride

Michael Jackson was on a plane with the president, a librarian, and some kids. The pilot came out and said the plane was going to crash. He said there wasnt enough parachutes for everyone, but he was the pilot and had to drive other planes so he should live. The president said, “im the president [...]

Redneck

you know your a redneck if you go to mcdonalds to get your weekly supply of toilet paper

Innuendo

What does a blonde think an innuendo is? An Italian suppository.

When decanting wine, make sure

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Redneck Sex Ed

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.”Pop,” he drawled, “Ah’m jest not sure Ah know what t’do.” “It’s simple,” said his father.”Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick [...]

Seal

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal. Submitted by Curtis Edited by Calamjo

Mental Hospital

Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.”So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re [...]

Know When YOU'RE

Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of [...]

Knock KnockWho’s there?Dotty!Dotty who?Dotty way

Knock KnockWho’s there?Dotty!Dotty who?Dotty way the cookie crumbles!

Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. [...]

Two heads are more numerous

Two heads are more numerous than one.

In the Bathroom

If you’re an American when you’re out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re IN the bathroom? European! (You’re a Peein’) And if you really gotta go bad? Russian!

Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it! You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac. No longer licks paws clean, but [...]

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s…

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women? A. Exchange him.

george gets help

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country, now that I am elected President?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark [...]

Osama bin laden

Why doesn`t Osama Bin Laedn have sex with any of his 5 wives? Because every time he spreads their legs, he see`s Bush!!!

yo mamma is so fat when she halls ass she…

yo mamma is so fat when she halls ass she has tomake two trips

Strawbrey

Aman walks into a doctors and says “Doctor,Doctor i have a strewbery stuck up my ass” The doctor replies “Here have some cream”.

Great Works of Efficiency

- Pythagorean theorem: 24 words – The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words. – Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words. – The 10 Commandments: 179 words. – Lincoln’s Gettysburg address: 286 words. – The U.S. Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. – The U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.