Archive for April, 2008

Little girl

Q-Why did the little girl fall of the swing?? A-because she had no arms

truck

It was time for the sex talk to their kids, Little Johnny and Little Jane. Each parent took a kid THE mother told Little Jane that her private spot was a garage and no boy should stick their truck in it The father took Little Johnny aside and told his piece was a truck and [...]

Redneck quickies 34

You might be a redneck if…You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy [...]

MATH THEOREM OF PYTHAGORAS

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before [...]

How many Yale students does it take to change…

How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb? None. New Haven looks better in the dark.

A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can…

A precocious kid asks his mom, “Mommy, can you get pregnant from anal sex?” Mom: “Of course, darling, where do you think lawyers come from?”

Casket Talk

What did one casket say to the other ? Was that you coffin?

15 Things the ’98 in Windows ’98 Stands For

The number of floppies it will ship on. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required. The number of pages in the “EASY INSTALL” version of the manual. The percentage of existing programs that won’t run in the new version. The number of [...]

After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck.

Olympic team

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job [...]

Camping Hints

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada [...]

Getting Served at a Pub

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there’s a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there’s a snail sitting there.”What do you want?”asks the landlord.The snail replies that he wants a drink.”Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails anyway”.The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to [...]

Lonely Frog

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks. “No,” says the [...]

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like a Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.” If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? [...]

Yo Mama so fat

Yo mama so fat when someone invited her to the superbowl she said oh! Let me take a spoon!

Out Hunting

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I’ll be across the field.” A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking “What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.” The son answered, “Look, [...]

President Bush was representing the United…

President Bush was representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the [...]

Inline Lightbulb

How many inline skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10, one to screw it in, and nine to say how extreme it was.

Back to Court

Why are Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski going back to court? Because Monica coughed up more evidence.

Decent Proposal

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said ‘yes’. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! ‘Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…’ After about an hour of [...]

Bush, Einstein and P

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter [...]

Old Man in Nursing Home

There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to [...]

Resulta que Cornelio se ha

Resulta que Cornelio se ha casado con Facilisa, y �sta, la noche de bodas, coloca un cofre cerrado con un gran candado al pie de la cama. “�Para que es ese cofre, cielo?, pregunta Cornelio, “Ese es un secreto m�o que nunca te voy a decir”, le reponde su amada. Cornelio, respetuoso del sentir de [...]

Se encuentran dos amigos despu�s

Se encuentran dos amigos despu�s de a�os de no verse. “�Qu� pas� Juan! �C�mo has estado?” “Bien, Jos� �y t�?” “Bien.” Y queriendo entablar conversaci�n uno le dice al otro, “Oye, �te acuerdas de la Juana?” Y el otro le contesta, “�C�mo no me voy a acordar de ella, si cuando era m�s peque�o le [...]