Archive for March, 2008

Your Bird

One day in the summer a man was sitting on a nude beach sunning himself and this little girl walks up to him and asks him mister whats that. He answers thats my woodpecker sitting in its nest, while she was walking away she mummbles I don’t like birds… About ten minutes later the man [...]

The Golden Toilet

There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it [...]

Fill out this form

A man walked up to a school and said “can you teach me to reed and write” The administrator said, “Yes we can, just fill out this form”.

Read the label first!

Some actual product warning labels: On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!) On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO [...]

Sex With Patients

John had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “John, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with [...]

An object in motion will

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.

Canada aids the US

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets. However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel. Submitted by [...]

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

Tourist Visas

I was once with a tour group visiting the UK. As we filed past the immigration officer (at Heathrow), each one showed his passport, was asked why (s)he was visiting ["Well sir, I'm with this group that is visiting your lovely ..."], and got a one-week tourist visa stamp. When it was my turn, I [...]

Signs you’re a redneck Jedi;

-You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.” -Your Jedi robe is camouflage. -You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. -At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. -You can easily describe the taste of a Wok. -You have ever had a land-speeder [...]

Snail visits bar

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there’s a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and there’s a snail sitting there. “What do you want?” asks the landlord. The snail replies that he wants a drink. “Go away, we’re closed, and we don’t serve snails anyway”. The snail pleads and [...]

Teachers’ Pay

Teachers are paid too much!! I’m fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I’d pay teachers babysitting wages.That’s right…instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I’d give them $3.00 an hour. And, I’m only going to pay [...]

Blonde Vs Redhead

What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Best Secretary

What quality does the best secratary in the world have? She never misses a period.

On X-mas Your a Hoe Hoe Hoe

On Christmas your a hoe hoe hoe, and your probably going to go go go have sex with a guy named Moe Moe Moe this guy Moe Moe Moe will turn out to be a homo mo and try to blow blow yo

In a mental institution

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?” Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as [...]

Ideal Computer Problem Report Form

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution. COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1. Describe your problem: ______________________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ______________________________________________________ 3. [...]

Food + water

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.” “Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?” “You’re supposed to cook it?” [...]

Graffitti seen in Pompeii :

Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me.

Police pulling her over

There was a women with blond hair, and she was driving her husbands truck.A while after she got on the road she heard police sirens so she pulled over.She said,”whats the problem officer?” “Maam do you know that you’re swirving all over the road?” “ya i know there is this little tre in front of [...]

List of rules of being a guy:

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master b. The moment Angelina [...]

Who says that Pollacks are Dumb?

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down, but couldn’t find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she’d offer the man in the [...]

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?” “I’m from Ireland.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. [...]

Mexicans

Q: why are there no mexican olympics? A: Because anyone who can run jump or swim are allready in the U.S. Q: Why did only 200 mexicans cross the border today? A: Because they only had one van. Q: How do you find out the population of mexico? A: Drop a quarter on the ground. [...]

Primary School Tour to the Race Tracks

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one [...]