Archive for February, 2008

Men are like…..bananas

Men are like…..Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

90 year old wanker

What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle whip!

Classified Ad:…

Classified Ad: Snow Blower For Sale…. Only Used On Snowy Days

Q: How many rec.humor.funny

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They’re all quite feeble and burn out after a few [...]

First Rule of History:

First Rule of History: History doesn’t repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

Drunk driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer. ”I can’t do that, officer.” ”Why not?” ��because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” ”Okay, we’ll just get a [...]

The Drunk Man

One night, as a drunk man went up the stairs to go to bed after a long night fell as he was half-way up. It so happened that there was a glass bottle in the back pocket of his jeans, so when he fell, he cut his bum. The next time he tried, he got [...]

In February, according to police

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

A fine is tax for

A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Little Johnny

And then there’s little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door. Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad. Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims – “Hah!, they got [...]

Lady and a Dentist

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink. Some drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The woman looked at him and [...]

Egg, bacon

egg and bacon walk into a bar. bartender says “we dont serve breakfast here!”

Tough Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with [...]

Top 10 Halloween Things…

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty… 10. She’s a goblin! 9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag….OH!-You’re having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch [...]

Indian names

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I [...]

Sleeping in the barn

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the [...]

Lightbulb

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, a man will screw anything. Submitted by Curtis Edited by Yisman

What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?…

What do you call two skunks in the 69 position? Oder Eaters.

911 Operator

Two men were out in the woods hunting. Suddenly, one of them clasped his chest, suffering from a heart attack. Instantly, his friend whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator came on, she heard a frantic voice say that his friend had just had a heart attack and died. Calmly, she [...]

Male Translations

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.” –I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with. “I’m not used to these darts.” –I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed. “You get this one, next round is on me.” –We [...]

Stranded in the desert!

One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were riding in a car when it broke down i the middle of a desert. The best thing they could do was try to walk towards civilization. SO the redhead said, ” I’m going to bring food so when I get hungry, I can eat some.” [...]

That’s not an attorney! — That’s God.

A judge of some thirty years passed away unexpectedly. Upon his passing he as greeted by an angel who explained he was there to guide the judge to heaven. The angel introduced himself and added, “and I must say it is truly an honor to meet you.” As they slowly headed closer to the pearly [...]

Frente a un manicomio, a

Frente a un manicomio, a un tipo se le poncha una llanta de su auto. Muy enojado iba retrasado, se baja a cambiarla. Un interno del manicomio lo observa a trav�s de la reja, mientras maldice su suerte; al percatarse de eso, se enfurece a�n m�s. En un descuido, el individuo tira las tuercas a [...]

Math is turning bad

“Psst, c’mere,” said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.”What are you selling?” I asked.”Geometrical algebra drugs.””Huh!?””Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers…””Stop right there,” I interrupted. “I’ve never heard of inside-outers.””Oh, man, you’ll [...]

Avoiding the Draft

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her “quick sister, please hide me I don’t want to be Drafted and the MP’s [...]