Archive for January, 2008

God’s Lottery Advice

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as [...]

Dumb Criminal at the Photo Mart

Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when [...]

Charles Manson

Charles Manson has released a statement from prison on hearing Jackson was acquitted, “Thank God we won’t be in the same cell together, that guy is nuts.”

yo momma is so fat you have to grease the…

yo momma is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her threw yo momma so fat she woke up and fell off on both sides of the bed yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her [...]

God’s time and money

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” He replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the [...]

Knock KnockWho’s there?Yoda!Yoda who?Yoda le

Knock KnockWho’s there?Yoda!Yoda who?Yoda le lee whoo!

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway….

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Ping Pong Balls

A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to marry the princess. So the king said, “Whoever can bring me back the most ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter.” So the three princes went out looking for ping pong balls. The first prince came back with his horse [...]

80 year old man

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: “Well, my son, when [...]

For A Day…

What Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day 1. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers 2. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half 3. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch 4. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time 5. [...]

Power Outage

A True Story…. A friend of mine worked for the local internet company as a tech support guy, when one day he received a call from a man who was obviously computer ignorant. The man told my friend that his computer screen went black while he was using it. He asked the man if the [...]

TopFive’s Thanksgiving Dinner Advice

50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring giblet jugglers. 49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, “Yer already dead, old man!” (Hey, we didn’t say it was all *good* advice.) 48> After eight years in a row, you should [...]

Redneck Track & Field

You might be a redneck if you think �wind sprints� means running from a fart.

The Earing

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” “Hey Joe, he yells out – I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a [...]

The Top 15 Signs Your Team Is Sponsored by a Brothel (Part II)

15> The term “tailgate party” seems to have taken on an entirely different meaning. 14> Your new uniforms: fishnet jerseys with red velvet pants. 13> The halftime show is a live version of the Kama Sutra. 12> That rainbow-wigged freak in the stands wears a shirt saying: “Johns 69:$80.” 11> You’re still in the locker [...]

Guy who attacked the White house

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his -own- bedroom at night.

One Good Turn

Little Johnnie was very lustful for a girl living in his neighborhood. He invited her to dinner, and she accepted. After dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the city, and told her: “I want you right here and now. Do it or get out and go home!” Without saying [...]

Bad Luck…

A man is rushing to work one day when he is knocked down by a car. When he comes round in the hospital, his wife is sitting next to the bed. He turns to her and says, “When I was unpopular at school, you took the time to get to know me and we started [...]

How did you break YOUR leg??

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself. Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. [...]

God Bless Us

There are five people on a plane that’s crashing. There is the pilot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes. The pilot jumps out and yells, ”God bless me!” Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ”God bless me and my bank account!” Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, [...]

Q: How many Polish-Americans

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash [...]

O.J. Simpson vs. John Elway

What do O.J. Simpson and John Elway have in comon? John Elway is a old white Bronco and O.J. Simpson drives a old white Bronco.

Indifference

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

LICENSE TO STEALTwo

LICENSE TO STEALTwo Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to [...]

Knock KnockWho’s there?Clarence!Clarence who?Clarence sale!

Knock KnockWho’s there?Clarence!Clarence who?Clarence sale!