Archive for October, 2007

Set up

Here’s the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, “This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.” Comment from person: “How do they know what size screen I have?”

Jesus is Watching Yo

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.”Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.The burglar stopped [...]

Did you hear Buckwheat became

Did you hear Buckwheat became a Moslem? His new name: Careem O Wheat

Three women were about to be executed

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette [...]

RESPONSIBILTY

A MAN JOINED A COMPANY AND IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF HIS JOB. THE MANAGER ASKED THE MAN. MANAGER: YOU HAVE BEEN APPOINTED A NEW POSITION WITH HARD WORK. CAN YOU HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THIS ENTIRE WORK? THE MAN: SURE. MANAGER: HOW CAN YOU DO SO? THE MAN: I HAVE HAD GOOD EXPERIENCE [...]

Un se�or de mediana edad

Un se�or de mediana edad lleva una hora sentado en el bar mirando su copa sin beberla, cuando llega un camionero alto y gordo que se bebe la copa de un solo trago. El pobre hombre se echa a llorar, y el camionero le consuela: “Vamos, buen hombre, era s�lo una broma, ahorita le pido [...]

I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I [...]

Best Friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s the problem?” After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.” ‘Wow,” says the barkeep. “What did you do about it?” [...]

The good driver

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, “Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.A man sits down next to him and asks him, [...]

Headlines of the Paper

I read the newspaper today, and boy is those headlines are looking worse and worse and worse. Why, yesterday, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I could hardly bring myself to read the darn things. Sigh. I guess it is time I get a good pair of reading glasses.

Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, [...]

Yo momma so fat

Yo momma so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell “Taxi!”

Osama & Panty Hose

WHAT DO OSAMA BIN LADEN AND PANTY HOSE HAVE IN COMMON? ANSWER… THEY BOTH IRRITATE BUSH!!

Airline Attendants’ Witticisms

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…” After landing: “Thank you for [...]

Time is just nature’s way of…

Time is just nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The Prayer.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed [...]

Really Corny

That was Zen, this is Tao.

Scam Alert

SCAM ALERT! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! If you get an envelope from a company called the “Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions [...]

Shaggy Duck Story

What did one duck say to the other? What? “Social Security!” I don’t get it. You won’t till you’re 65…

Teacher

there was a teacher and it was the first day of school for the kids and the teacher wanted to give them a taste test so she gave them a live saver and they all said yum cheery then she gave them another one and they all said yum grape after that one she gave [...]

Frying pan

How is a blonde like a frying pan? You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Tasty Lawyer?

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!” The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and [...]

How do you teech a blonde maths?

How do you teach a blonde math? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, insert you square root, leave your solution and let’s hope she don’t multiply.

Blonde row boat

two blondes went out in there new convertable, and on the way to the mall they saw another blonde. But the other blonde was in a row boat, and she was rowing it in a field.the one blonde said to the other she gives blondes a bad name.And the blonde says yeah we should tell [...]

Monica’s Dress

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back. She yells, ” Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It’s Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned.” Mr. Lee yells, “Come [...]