Archive for September, 2007

Senile

A 64-year old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Just then a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year old woman who I recently married.” “What’s wrong with that?” the you man asks. Between his [...]

Sue over the property

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. [...]

Why does a Jewish American Princess close…

Why does a Jewish American Princess close her eyes during sex? So she can fantasize about shopping.

Clinton Soup

One of the Nation’s largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Electric Chair

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in. “No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under this particular State’s [...]

One day a lady went to the doctors’ office…

One day a lady went to the doctors’ office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that “if you give your [...]

You might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if you have ever awakened someone to tell them its time to go to sleep.

Incontinent leprechaun

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box, and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, “I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here�. There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this [...]

One for my friend

Sven and Osmond are good friends. Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar. This is a tradition that goes on for some time. One day, Osmond says to Sven, “Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.” [...]

The Rich Lady and her Butler

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room. The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes [...]

Estaban los presidentes de varios

Estaban los presidentes de varios pa�ses conversando con Dios. El presidente de Peru le pregunta: “�Cu�ndo vamos a tener un pa�s muy elegante, tur�stico y rico.” Y Dios le dice: “150 a�os.” El peruano se pone a llorar por que dice que el no existir�a en ese momento. Mas Tarde… el presidente estadounidense le pregunta: [...]

What a stupid mama!

Yo mama’s so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

The Great Escape

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who’s in room 24. “Nobody” comes the reply. “Good” says the man, “I must have escaped!”

A man takes his wife to the local livestock…

A man takes his wife to the local livestock show and they begin to walk down the line of prize bulls. The sign above the first bull says, “This bull mated 52 times last year.” The wife turns to the husband and says, “Gee, 52 times a year, that’s once a week – you could [...]

Skin Transplant

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to [...]

Windows95…

Windows95 (noun) 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

Reasons for Being French

* when speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. * experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. * you get to eat insect food like snails and frog”s legs. * if there”s a war you can surrender really early. * you don”t have to read the subtitles on those [...]

What do you call a

What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in the middle of Wales? A leisure centre!

Snow Plow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered [...]

Redneck quickies 31

You might be a redneck if…You have to duct tape your gloves on. You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.You think that Marlboro is a cologne. Your best coat is a black and red checkered. You put your Christmas lights [...]

50 things to do at Walmart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you [...]

Please Engage Brain Before Speaking

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. –Mariah Carey Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live [...]

El duque de Windsor es

El duque de Windsor es invitado a tomar t� al palacio de la condesa de York. Al llegar, Perkins, el mayordomo, le abre la puerta y le ayuda a quitarse el abrigo y lo lleva a guardar. “Buenas tardes, condesa. Es un verdadero placer verla. Cada d�a usted m�s hermosa”. “Buenas tardes, duque. Usted siempre [...]

Front and Back Seats

Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.

Un pibe, que ten�a la

Un pibe, que ten�a la polla roja a reventar, va al ur�logo para que le solucione el problema: “Doctor, no s� que me pasa �ltimamente, pero tengo la picha roja”. “Cu�nteme su vida sexual”. “Ver�… Nada m�s levantarme, le echo 3 polvos a mi mujer; me visto y le echo otro. Desayuno y, antes de [...]