Archive for August, 2007

The Top 16 Signs Your Fast Food Order Has Been Outsourced

16> You’re surprised and delighted to hear perfect, accent-free English. 15> Your Happy Meal now comes with total enlightenment. 14> “Would you prefer steamed monkey brains or fried blubber with that?” 13> The order-taker asks if you want fries and to help his foreign minister move $30 million out of his country. 12> “This is [...]

National Pastime

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I’ll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

Un hombre entra a un

Un hombre entra a un bar y se sienta; en ese momento ve que llega un negro y se lleva a un tipo que estaba dormido a causa de la embriaguez. Intrigado, el reci�n llegado le pregunta al mesero: ��Por qu� ese negro se llev� a ese tipo?� �Ese negro se lleva a todos los [...]

The religious bear.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his [...]

My Dad Makes Money By…

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, [...]

You Stink So Bad

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

Doctor Bloopers!

*** Actual “bloopers” Doctor’s have written on patient charts. *** 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband [...]

Always Been a Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.”You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.” His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town [...]

Hillary’s new book

Q: Did you hear Hillary’s writing a new book? A: It’s called ‘It Takes A Village 2′ (keep an eye on my husband!)

M&M joke

jo mama so stupid she though the sun was a big yellow M&M

You can’t guard against the

You can’t guard against the arbitrary.

When did Clinton realize Paula

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat? When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.

Really, really rude!

What’s the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home? Sucks down a cold one!

Poker Game

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework, video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the [...]

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

Dear Tech Support

Tech Support’ Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance [...]

Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?…

Q: Why are blonde jokes so mean?A: Because the blondes never understand them.

lost compact

There were two blondes walking down the street and they spotted a compact. They rushed over to see who it belonged to so they could return it. The first one opens it and says, “This person looks familiar” The second one says, “Let me see.” She looks at her friend and says, “Silly, that’s me!”

Q: How many Germans does

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

Death-Bed

An old man, who had lived a long a prosperous life, with 8 beautiful children and a loving and caring wife, is on his death-bed, with his wife is right by his side. He says to her, “Honey, I love you and all, but there’s something that’s been bothering me for awhile. The last child [...]

Honeybees

Two bees meet at a local rosebush.First Bee: You look horrible — emaciated. Have you been getting enough to eat?Second Bee: I know. Haven’t been lucky. I’m practically starving.First Bee: Hey! There’s a Bar Mitzvah just a couple of hundred yards down the road. They always have plenty of flowers & a lot to eat. [...]

Realization of another White House

Realization of another White House intern… “And all the time I thought that humming was the shredder!”

Green Lipstick

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.

Debido al incremento de los

Debido al incremento de los problemas resultantes por el consumo de alcohol, el Gobierno ha sugerido a las compa��as cerveceras y empresas destiladoras incluir inmediatamente algunos de los siguientes mensajes de advertencia en todos sus productos: ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol es la causa principal de bailar como idiota. ADVERTENCIA: El consumo de alcohol puede [...]

The skeliten

Q.Why did the skeliten cross the rode? A.To prove it had guts.