Archive for May, 2007

Q: How many science

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, “In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources …”

Thick blondes

There are 3 blondes hanging onto a car which is dangling of a cliff. One blonde goes to the other two “the cars starting to move,one of us are going to have to let go to save the other two” Then one blonde goes its not me,The other says its not me either so the [...]

What do you call a z

What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.

Water into Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”The minister says, “Just water.”The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?”And [...]

Wife's Birthday

The wife had a birthday and her husband wanted to know what she desired.She always fancied having a sports car, so she said she’d like to have a jaguar. He didn’t think it was best for her. But, she prevailed and begged until he gave in and got her one.It ate her.

Dorm Life

The inventor of dormitories . . . let’s find him, make him pay for the travesties he’s visited on America’s youth, and force him to listen to Matchbox 20. Can’t you see him designing these hellish stacks of humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands triumphantly and said, “It shall be [...]

Great lines from job evaluations!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won�t be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to [...]

Good trade

A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you’re wondering [...]

My King Henry joke

Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now? A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

1. There are no dental records 2. All the DNA is the same.

Farmer’s trap

There where three men driving down a road, all of them were tired and each of their destinations were still miles away. So all of them stop at a farmer’s house and ask if they could spend the night. The farmer had a very beautfiul daughter who was still a virgin, and the farmer wanted [...]

Atheist problem

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?No one to talk to during orgasm.

American and Chinese on A Radio Conversation

This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980. CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CHINESE: [...]

Why Women Live Longer

Why do women live longer than men? Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

The coarse

One day a kid and his dad go golfing up in Canada. the dad tells his son that if a bear comes along dont run cause a bear can out run any human. so there on the coarese and the dad asked the kid what he should do if a bear came up to him. [...]

Signs you’re no longer a kid

You can live without sex but not without glasses.Your back goes out more than you do.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.You buy a compass for the dash of your car.You are proud of your lawn mower.Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and isn’t [...]

19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?” 2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.” 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color [...]

Sooo… Blonde

She was soooo blonde… * she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. * she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. * she sold the car for gas money. * she thought a quarterback was a refund. * she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. * she [...]

The Top 16 Commencement Speech Quotes

16> Bill Gates: “Hello, class of 2003. By the time I was your age, I had already started Microsoft, you losers.” 15> Scott Peterson: “With a clear vision and careful planning, you can execute any plan almost perfectly. *Almost*.” 14> Ben Affleck: “If you work hard, constantly strive to improve your skills, and are totally [...]

The Top 16 Tim McVeigh Last Request Ice Cream Flavors

16> Angry White Chocolate 15> Ruby Ridge Raspberry 14> Death by Lethally-Injected Chocolate 13> Chunky Kaczynski 12> Pralines ‘n’ Lethal-Injection-Antidote Crunch 11> Sodium Pentothal Pistachio Swirl 10> Chocolate Marshmallow Martyr 9> No Tunnel/No Light Surprise 8> Electric Cherry 7> Militia Mint Gun Nut Crunch 6> Tossed Cookies ‘n’ Scream 5> Rocky Road to Hell 4> [...]

Tip off

He was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says ‘rejected’?” As the women’s faces reddened and customers turned to look, [...]

Talking to Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” [...]

A guy walks into a bar and asks…

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. ”Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar [...]

Why is President Clinton waiting

Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.

Dog’s New Years Resolution

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each [...]