Archive for February, 2007

That Hurts

Man Walks into a bar. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ [...]

Pick your favorite

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your [...]

confusion!

How do u confuse a blonde…? U put her in a round room and tell her that the vibrator is in the corner!

Vice Presidents

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Retiring Accountant

Q: What’s a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s/she’s retiring.

Cheerleaders

What does a teakettle and a cheerleader have in common? When they get hot there both perkey.

Seashells

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world…perhaps you’ve seen it.

Poor

yo kids is so ugly when they was born the doctor caught a heart attack

I Nearly Pissed Myself

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ [...]

Super Looong List of One-Liners Part 2!

Q. How do you Scare a Man? A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving. Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s [...]

50 Years

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” [...]

The story of the bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.” “We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.” The first [...]

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is [...]

75,000 women in America

They asked 75,000 women in America would they like to sleep with Bill? 99% said: NEVER AGAIN!

If there is a possibility

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Bifocals

Glasses you use to read books by during the television commercials.

Knock KnockWho’s there?Italy!Italy who?Italy be

Knock KnockWho’s there?Italy!Italy who?Italy be a big job!

Q. What’s another name

Q. What’s another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough

Pilot and Co-Pilot

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, [...]

Once a month

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend, he’s rough and common and bloody stupid with it.” “Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”

Black Box

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris. When the captain of the plane announces, “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!” Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia [...]

Magnifying Glass

Why did the guy need two hands to masterbate? One for the magnifying Glass and one for the tweezers!

The Nun and the Bus Driver

One day a bus driver was driving down the street when a he picked up a nun. He started driving when the nun started bawling her eyes out. “What’s wrong” the bus driver. “Oh its just that I’m a 95 year old woman who’s about to die and I’ve never been laid.” “Gee I wish [...]

M&Ms For Halloween

On Halloween a black boy and girl went to their neighbor’s house dressed as Hansel and Gretel. The neighbor said” You guys can’t be Hansel and Gretel. You guys are black. “So they went back to their house and dressed up as Santa Claus and Rudolph. They went to their neighbor’s house and he said [...]

Definition of a Good Marriage

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.